I’ve Never Been Single And I’m Worried I’m Missing Out

Since I started dating as a teenager, I’ve bounced from boyfriend to boyfriend with hardly a break in between. I’ve never had that period in my life to really enjoy and embrace being single and I’m sure I have some wild oats to sew.

I’ve been stuck in the vicious circle that is serial monogamy.

I’ve never been single longer than a month in my entire life, and that between two long-term relationships. It wasn’t something I did consciously, I just happened to fall in love rather quickly after my first long-term relationship broke down. I went on a series of dates with numerous people before falling head over heels for my current boyfriend.

I doubt there’ll be another chance to be single.

Not that I’m looking for a free pass or anything, but my current relationship is definitely growing and I know I want to take further steps with him, like getting married and building a family. As exciting as that is, I can’t help but feel like I’ve missed out on living my best single gal life. If everything works out the way I hope, I won’t ever have the chance to be single and there are some life experiences I’ll probably never have. That kinda sucks to think about.

I’ve never really lived alone.

OK, so there was a short period that I lived alone but my then-boyfriend helped me out a lot with the logistics as we were doing the long-distance thing. It was only for nine months, but I learned so much about myself and my abilities. I never knew I was capable of fixing a blocked sink, removing a rogue pigeon from the kitchen, or setting up and disposing of mice traps all by myself. It was then that I learned to love my own company too, something I’ve practically forgotten after living with someone for five years.

I’d love to know how I’d react on dates now.

I was in my early twenties last time I was in the dating game and back then, I didn’t really know what I was looking for. Now that I’m older and hopefully wiser, I think I’d be able to weed out those that aren’t compatible for me much quicker. I remember entertaining some truly awful first dates, scared that I’d offend the racist/player/moron in front of me. If I was dating now, I’d like to think I’ve got the balls to cut those kinds of dates short without feeling bad about it.

I love my makeshift family but sometimes it would be nice not to have to answer to anyone.

By family, I obviously mean my boyfriend and our dog. My two boys mean the world to me, but in a relationship, you always have to think about the other person. I can’t always go out whenever I want and I usually need to check in with my partner. It’s not a case of asking for permission but more about making sure one of us will be home to let the dog out. Or perhaps my boyfriend was out the night before and we’re due some couple time. I don’t begrudge any of that, quite the opposite, but sometimes it would be nice to only have to think about myself.

If I was single I could do all the secret single behaviors I wanted.

You know what I mean by secret single behaviors—those weird or gross things you do when truly no one is watching. Mine consist mostly of eating Chinese food for breakfast, scraping the mountain of dead skin off my feet, and not showering unless I have to leave the house. I’ll also wear a really old sweater that has holes in it and looks grey except that I know when I bought it, it was white. It’s basically the best.

What if I don’t know who I really am?

One of my worst traits is adopting certain aspects of my partner’s personality. If they love blues music, I’ll start learning to love it too. If they love Thai food, I’ll make an effort to learn about the cuisine and how to cook it. Aside from this, I’m pretty confident in who I am and what makes me, well, me. But what if I’m wrong? What if I’m just an amalgamation of all my ex-boyfriends put together with a splash of the real me thrown in?

I’ve never been on a girls holiday either.

Not that I couldn’t still do that, but as my friends get older, our responsibilities grow too. Back when we were younger, they were all single and used to go away on sunny vacays all the time. I never joined in as I was always saving up for my couples holiday which took priority. Now most of them are doing the same, or can’t get time off work, have to look after a parent or other life stuff that gets in the way. I wish I could have experienced a fun, carefree holiday with them.

I’ve never been single but I learned other things.

While I might not have learned how to be single, I did learn very quickly how to compromise in a relationship, how to support my partner and what it takes to build great foundations. Everyone’s journey is different and I guess where I missed out in being single, I made up for in relationship knowledge!

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