If You Judge Me For These Things In A Relationship, You Don’t Deserve Me

If You Judge Me For These Things In A Relationship, You Don’t Deserve Me ©iStock/darkbird77

When we enter in a relationship, we do so hoping that our partner will like (almost) everything about us. But sometimes, the people we date find it acceptable to judge us for the most ridiculous things, using them as weapons to help them manipulate us into feeling that we’re somehow unworthy of them. I’ll admit that I once let guys judge me for these things, but now, I’ll kick a man to the curb the second the tries to make me feel bad for them:

  1. My “number” There’s really no reason you should be asking about the number of people I’ve slept with in the first place. It has no effect on how I feel about you, nor does it say anything about who I am as a person. But if you do happen to find out somehow and decide that it’s higher or lower than you’d expected, you’d better not let your own insecurities turn into insults against me. It’s completely irrelevant to anything involving me, you, or the relationship we have.
  2. My mental illness I’m pretty open about the fact that I have anxiety and depression because I know that it’s nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I’m proud of the ways I’ve managed to live with my mental illnesses. So if you try to make me feel weak or anything less than normal for having them and getting the help I need, I’ll happily show you the door. My own brain brings enough negativity into my life, and I don’t need a judgmental douchecanoe adding on to it.
  3. My guy friends There’s a stereotype that suggests that women with a lot of male friends are secretly sleeping with them all. Not only is that an unfair assumption, but it’s just plain wrong when it comes to me and my bros. These guys are more like family than friends to me, and the idea of sleeping with any of them kind of grosses me out, to be honest. If you think of me as a “promiscuous” woman for having so many male friends, then I can’t wish you out of my life fast enough.
  4. My insecurities We all have ways that we’ve been hurt by other people in the past, and yes, some of those resulting fears might bleed into my romantic relationships. I’m going to be willing to work with you on your own insecurities, and while I’m fine with working on my own without your help, the last thing I need is for you to make me feel ashamed because of how I feel. If you’re going to betray my trust by working against me instead of with me in my journey to overcome my worries, I’m better off by myself anyway.
  5. The way I dress Sometimes I look like a Pinterest model, sometimes I look like a hobo. The way I dress is up to me, and I couldn’t honestly give two craps about what other people think of it. While I try to make an effort to wear clothes my boyfriend likes, I refuse to be your Christmas tree that you can dress up to your exact specifications. It sucks for you if you think my dress is too short or too long, or if you think my shirt is too girly or too masculine; if I like it, I’m going to wear it regardless of how “skanky” or “manly” you think it makes me look.
  6. My past relationships I’m not perfect, and neither are my choices in men. Some of the boyfriends I’ve had in the past were… well… questionable. I own it, and I know that dating them helped shape me into the older, wiser woman I am today. Should you use any of them as examples as to why my decisions can’t be trusted or to convince me that I’m not intelligent, you’ll go down in history as the most recent of my bad dating decisions.
  7. My family My family tree has some crooked branches. I may not agree with everything my family members do, but I still love them. Still, I can acknowledge that I’m very different from a lot of them, and I would hope that you’d see the same thing when you meet some of my more quirky (or slightly racist) family members. They have their flaws just as you and I do, and I refuse to be with someone who tries to make me feel ashamed for loving the people who have cared about me since I was born.
  8. My beauty routine My model-or-hobo style also extends to the way my hair and face look, and if you’re dating me, you’ll have to get used to that, too. I’m repulsed by men who think that a woman’s choice to wear or not wear makeup should depend on what a guy prefers, so don’t expect me to make my lipstick choices based on what you prefer. Sure, I’ll make a reasonable amount of effort to look like the girl of your dreams, but I will laugh your ass into singledom if you try to tell me that I’m “letting myself go” because I went a week without wearing makeup.
  9. My sexual preferences Sexually speaking, there’s nothing I’m into that’s illegal or blatantly immoral. Even if my turn-ons weren’t mostly mainstream, I wouldn’t deal with a guy who made me feel like I was a weirdo for liking what I like. We all enjoy different things in bed, and even if I don’t understand why you like what you like, I’d never make you feel like a freak for enjoying it.
  10. The person I used to be I’ve done a lot of growing up even within the past few years. I’m not proud of all the decisions I made when I was younger, but thankfully, you weren’t dating me back then. You’re dating the woman I am today: the result of all the good and bad choices I’ve made throughout the years. Personally, I think she’s pretty awesome, but if you can’t get past the fact that I haven’t always been this way, then you’re the one who’s missing out.
Averi is a word nerd and Brazilian jiu jitsu brown belt. She's also a TEFL/TESOL-certified ESL teacher and an equine enthusiast. Originally from Pennsylvania, she lived in Costa Rica for a while before moving to Australia. In addition to her work as a writer and editor for Bolde, she also has bylines with Little Things and regularly writes for Jiu-Jitsu Times.

You can follow Averi on Instagram @bjjaveri or on Twitter under the same handle.