When you’ve been single for a while, it’s hard not to get cynical. You start having thoughts that run the spectrum from those that are straight up man-hating to those that are rooted in self-empowerment and are genuinely liberating. It’s a pretty dramatic change from the days when you were young and naive and would gush over the leading man in some movie based on a Nicholas Sparks novel. Here are 21 things that are different when you get to that “omg I just can’t even anymore” place:
First dates no longer make you nervous. You actually couldn’t give a damn.
You still get notifications every time you match with someone on Tinder… But you can’t be bothered to log on and actually read messages from the 40 guys for whom “Hi” was the best opener they could come up with.
Sitting at home, binging on Netflix with a bucket of fried chicken and a box of donuts sounds like a much better use of your time than going on another crappy date. Sorry not sorry.
You no longer go out because you’re trying to meet someone; you go out to get drunk. It’s a much better use of your time.
You’ve begun taking financial planning seriously and intend to get rich so you can live a baller kind of life by yourself. YUP.
When one of your girlfriends is crying over some guy who’s driving her bananas with his hot-one-minute-cold-the-next behavior, you feel smug about being in a much better place — one unsullied by the BS of bad men.
When one of your girlfriends is all aglow about some guy who she’s sure is the one, you listen and engage but you’re really just humoring her — the way a grownup humors a child who still believes in Santa Claus.
When you see a hot guy, you assume he’s either stupid, shallow, untrustworthy, broke, or just a loser.
When you meet a guy who seems smart, thoughtful, loyal, successful, or kind, you assume he’s terrible in bed or will turn out to be just a jerk.
You think the arranged marriage model (as seen on Married at First Sight) makes so much more sense than fending for yourself in this insane hookup culture where no one knows wtf they want anymore.
Romantic comedies make you want to barf. Gross.
You have zero tolerance for all the bad advice people love to give single women, like “maybe you should make a vision board.” STFU.
No one asks you about your love life anymore, which is awesome. It’s about time they left you alone since constantly being asked how a pretty girl like you could be single is really annoying.
You’ve really enjoyed not shaving and are super committed to shaving as little as possible in the future.
Getting a zit does not freak you out anymore.
Buying sperm from a bank is not outside the realm of possibility.
When you think about life without a man, it doesn’t depress you at all. You’re firmly in touch with the fact that a guy is not a prerequisite for happiness.
You’re pretty sure that most people who are married or in relationships aren’t all that happy.
You’ve actually started talking to your girlfriends about things other than men and it’s kinda weird and kinda cool.
Sex no longer matters to you. You remember liking it but can’t really recall what it feels like and could totally take it or leave it at this point.
You almost can’t believe how effectively you’re able to fulfill your own needs. Who knew?!
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