I Just Really Hate Morning Sex, You Guys

What is it with dudes wanting to go to Bone Town first thing upon waking up in the morning? I am so not a fan of doing the deed in the early hours, much to my boyfriend’s chagrin. I’m down later in the day, but morning sex is just not in the cards for me.

1. First of all, I need my freaking coffee.If you so much as talk to me before I’ve had my cup of Green Mountain breakfast blend, I’m probably resisting the urge to cut you the entire time. I’m a total caffeine addict, so my guy is better off bringing me a cup of coffee (light cream, no sugar) instead of trying to serve me whatever’s risen to attention in his pants. We can re-address this topic once I have a suitable amount of caffeine coursing through my veins.
2. We both smell weird.Listen, I love my guy, but neither of us is on the top of our game smell-wise in the mornings. Nobody has brushed their teeth yet, and it tastes like something crawled in my mouth overnight and promptly died. I don’t want to share that with anybody, and I don’t want any part of whatever similar atrocities he has going on over there.
3. Two words: morning farts.Can we just get super real for a second? Part of why I’m always a little apprehensive to get it on in the AM is absolutely the fact that morning farts exist. Post-digestive gas builds up overnight, and when we move around upon waking, everything gets jostled and wants to escape. I really don’t want that jostling to occur because I’m in the middle of having sexy times. Let me get up, walk around, and maybe poop first. (Hey, we’re being totally honest here, right?)
4. I’m just really not a morning person.I can completely relate to that Zooey Deschanel quote about how we should only hug before 10 AM instead of talking because waking up is hard. I’m not prepared to do anything that requires more energy than pouring my sleepy self into the car so he can drive me to Dunkins in silence.
5. My body is all sleepy and not ready for stimulation.He shouldn’t even think about touching me until I’m done contorting my body into all sorts of horizontal positions, trying to achieve the perfect morning stretch. This is not a group activity and I’m not ready to be touched. I need to be a little awake to even think of going there.
6. I’m hella hangry and should be handled with extreme caution.Remember that quiet drive to Dunkin Donuts? I’m gonna need a breakfast sandwich or a muffin while we’re there because I wake up ridiculously freaking hangry. I don’t know about him, but I’m not aroused by stomach pain and the empty sound of intestinal gurgles.
7. I’m not one of those girls who wakes up and looks super cute.Even without the ever-present frown until I’ve been properly caffeinated, I’m just not one of those girls who wakes up looking fresh-faced and adorable. Best case scenario, I wake up a hot mess. I’m probably wearing a baggy t-shirt I got for free somewhere, and my crazy hair looks like a small woodland critter could provide shelter for its family inside of it. Plus, my scratched-up, crooked glasses are way past the days when they actually used to look cute.
8. It throws off my routine.Wait, what? You want me to have sex before I have a chance to brush my teeth, go pee, feed the cats, and check my email? That’s a big HELL no. I work from home, which means I rely more heavily than most on routine to keep me on task and disciplined all day long. If I can’t at least begin every morning with the same few activities, I feel totally lost. Not a great way to start the day.
9. I kind of want to shower first.When I wake up, I feel like I spent all night marinating in my own sweat. I don’t really want anybody poking around any intimate areas until I’ve had a chance to hop in the shower and, ahem, refresh my essence. And no, you can’t come in. That’s my alone time when I like to stare blankly at the shower wall and rank the Batman movies in my head by the hotness of their lead actors. I’m a busy woman, and I don’t want to be interrupted.
10. Can we just wait a few hours?I’m here to throw out the hot take that afternoon sex trumps morning sex every day of the week. We’re more awake, we’ve had time to build up some tension over the last few hours, and honestly, what’s hotter than getting spontaneously thrown onto the bed at two in the afternoon on a Saturday? Even right after work would be fine too, when he’s taking off your dress pants and stripping down to your sexy white t-shirt. Just not first thing in the morning, please.