I Know We’re All Grown-Ups But I Refuse To Talk About Poop With My Guy

They say that a couple that’s comfortable with each other will easily and willingly talk openly about their bowel movements. After all, it’s what makes us human and it’s a sign of intimacy or something, right? Wrong! While I’m a huge believer in working toward intimacy, I refuse to go there with my guy.

1. It has nothing to do with him. When I poop, I poop alone. Even if he’s at my place, I don’t bring him in the bathroom or keep the door open. I handle my business by myself. It’s my personal time, for goodness’ sake! I just want to poop in peace and keep it to myself.
2. Let’s face it—poop is so gross. Fecal matter is literally waste from your body. Unlike urine, which is sterile, poop is all the waste that your body doesn’t need. Your bowels are essentially your body’s trash truck. They amass up all your junk, break it down, and send it to the dump. Like trash, poop is smelly and mega disgusting.
3. Farting is one thing but poop is next level. I try my best not to fart around anyone much less my boyfriend because I think it’s the polite thing to do. But sometimes you can’t help it. If that’s the case, I’ll politely warn my boyfriend of what I’m about to do, it happens, and we move on with our lives. But talking about poop, or that one of us needs to poop because of the food we just ate or whatever just crosses the line and I can’t deal.
4. He and I are already really intimate. I spend a lot of time with my guy. As a result, our intimacy levels are already pretty high. We can talk about anything. We’ve seen each other at our absolute worst and yeah, we could totally talk about poop easily. Still, I choose not to go there. I want us to be intimate and I even want us to be comfortable, but there’s something about chit-chatting about the quality of my bowel movements that totally turns me off and takes intimacy into a completely different territory.
5. I don’t want to ruin our romance vibes. Once you’ve been in a relationship for a minute, it takes work to keep the romance alive.You reach levels of comfort and intimacy. Your relationship becomes naturally a little more routine because finally, you’re in a stable, secure place. As a result, I do my best to work toward the romance as often as I can. Nothing about poop is romantic or cute. Yes, it’s a fact of life, but it’s a gross fact of life and contributes nothing to keeping my romantic and sex life alive so I’ll leave it out.
6. I don’t want him to see me just as a friend. I have a few friends who I joke with about pooping and those people are also my closest confidantes. But the difference between those people and my boyfriend is the fact that they’re just my friends. I’m not having sex with any of them. We aren’t sexually attracted to each other. I don’t have to worry about completely turning them off with talk about the extra large dump I had after my morning coffee.
7. It’s not because I don’t want him to think I don’t poop. You guys, I’m not a bionic robot. I’m a human being. I poop too and he knows that, but my reasoning isn’t based on this old sexist adage that “girls don’t poop” or that it’s “unladylike” to talk about it. For me, it’s all about maintaining the romance and the sex as I’ve previously stated.
8. I’ll talk about it under very limited circumstances. If I have food poisoning or some stomach issue that necessitates a doctor or hospital visit, I’ll reveal certain information about my bowel movements so that my boyfriend can help me figure out what’s wrong. Otherwise, I’m keeping it to myself.
9. I have strategies to keep the poop talk to a minimum. I leave matches and candles in the bathroom that I’ve required both of us to use after a spell in the bathroom. I also leave baby wipes and extra toilet paper under the sink so that clean up is quick and thorough. The idea is to keep it confined to the bathroom space.
10. I may change my mind one day. I know that there are so many other gross milestones we will meet the longer we are together. For example, if we have babies together there’s a high probability that I’ll poop on the table in front of him. I’ll have to just completely get over it at that point. And maybe down the road and by then I won’t care, but right now I’m convinced that not talking about it works best for our relationship and our current relationship goals.