“Does He Know How A Tongue Works?” & Other Thoughts You Have During Terrible Oral

Foreplay sounds like a good idea… until he’s down between your legs and you’re wondering what in the hell is going on. How could he be so damn hot, but so bad at oral? At least he’s trying, right? Well, no, not really. If you’re going through horrible oral, you’ll probably have all these thoughts along with finding the nearest exit:

  1. “What the hell is that sound?” Good oral isn’t quiet, but when he sounds like a wounded animal trying to mate for the last time — that’s just awkward. A little sucking and slurping are normal, but weird noises just make you wonder what kind of kinky stuff he might be trying.
  2. “Tongues aren’t that long.” Tongues just aren’t a substitute for a penis. Surely he knows he needs to do more than just push his tongue in and out of the hole? Nope, he obviously doesn’t. Looks like it’s no clitoris play for me tonight.
  3. “Is he slobbering?” Wait, aren’t I already wet? What the hell’s all that extra moisture? Is he actually slobbering? I just can’t even. I’ll be glad when he’s done so I can clean up.
  4. “Tongues do move around, right?” I’m glad you have a preferred technique, but doesn’t the tongue do more than just move left/right or up/down? Maybe mix it up a little? No? OK, just keep doing what you’re doing — whatever that is.
  5. “Has he licked anything, ever?” Damn, just lick me like you’re licking a popsicle. At least that would be a little better. You’re how old and you have no idea how to lick something? It’s not that hard. At least I won’t have to worry about reciprocating.
  6. “Wait, he’s done?” OK, so I’m kind of glad the horrible oral is over, but I thought somehow it’d get better. I guess he realized those traumatizing few minutes weren’t doing a damn thing for me.
  7. “My clitoris not a chew toy!” Sensitive area here. No biting! I don’t care what you’ve seen in sex online, but worrying my clitoris with your teeth like a chew toy is just going to make me want to suffocate you.
  8. “Great, now my clitoris numb.” I’m thrilled you’re paying attention to my clitoris, but that same exact circle over and over isn’t doing it. Actually, I’m not feeling much of anything. Great, I’m numb. At least I don’t have to feel it anymore.
  9. “Is he this bad at sex?” Wait, this is foreplay. Does that mean sex is next? If he’s this bad at oral, how bad is he at sex? If he’s as bad with his penis as he is with his tongue, I’m screwed… and not in the way I planned.
  10. “It’ll be over soon — I hope.” OK, it can’t last that long, right? The clock says it’s only been five minutes. I can last a few more. His tongue’ll get tired and I’ll be able to smile and leave. What excuse could I give for needing to leave the moment it’s over? Yeah, I’ll just say I left every appliance in the house on.
  11. “Should I just fake it?” I wonder if he even knows what it’s like when a woman comes? Maybe I could just fake an orgasm and be done with it. I can’t take anymore.
  12. “Maybe if I move around a little…” He’s not moving, but maybe if I twitch a little this way, it’ll get better. Maybe he’ll get the hint. What the hell? His tongue just follows and keeps doing the same thing.
  13. “Is it wrong to use my hands?” Guys think that’s sexy, right? Maybe I can move things along and actually salvage something out of this. It’s got to feel better than whatever he’s doing right now. I’m going to have to do it myself later anyway.
  14. “That’s it! I have a headache.” I can’t do it. I’ve tried being patient. I’ve tried to help out. I’m not sticking around for horrible sex, too. Great job, but I suddenly have a splitting headache. You understand, right? No, don’t call me. I’ll call you when I’m feeling better.
Crystal Crowder is a freelance writer and blogger. She's a tech geek at heart, but loves telling it like it is when it comes to love, beauty and style. She's enjoys writing music, poetry and fiction and curling up with a great book. You can find her on Twitter @ccrowderwrites or check out her other writing on Medium.