The fear of dying alone sounds so dramatic that it’s almost laughable. Still, it’s a very real fear I have that sometimes sits in the driver’s seat and takes me for a wild emotional ride. Logically, I know that there’s a slim chance I’ll die alone, but I still freak out about it.
This pattern runs deep. This fear didn’t pop up out of nowhere. It comes from neglect and abuse in childhood that left me with a terrible fear of both being abandoned and dying alone. As a result of the fear being formulated in childhood, it’s a very poignant one that hasn’t been easy to get rid of.
This fear is perpetuated by the lie that a relationship will fix everything. There’s some part of me that believes if I just find the perfect relationship, then I’ll be okay. I believe it’ll fix me and if I die, I can do so in peace. Logically, I know that this is total BS and my life is complete with or without a partner, but I don’t quite understand it in my bones yet.
Hollywood doesn’t help my existing fears. In many ways, Hollywood perpetuates the idea that the very worst thing that can happen to you is dying alone. It pours down our throats images of perfect couples who have found love after all and everything is better. It’s total crap, but it exacerbates my already irrational fears. I think of characters in movies who are perfect for each other and wonder why the heck I’m alone.
Happy couples can throw me into a whirlwind when I’m stuck in this fear. Sometimes I have days that are more sensitive than others where I’m certain I’m just going to die alone. On these days, seeing happy couples in public makes me want to throw things. It sends me off into a tailspin wondering why the heck I’m the only one who can’t seem to find a partner. I know this isn’t true, but it’s an irrational fear!
This fear has the potential to drive me into ill-matched relationships. When I get into a frenzy around this fear, I end up going on dates with people who I know I’m not even compatible with. If I let it, the fear can drive me into being with people who aren’t even a good fit, purely because I’m terrified of the alternative. Thankfully this hasn’t happened in awhile, but I’m definitely not exempt from the possibility it I let fear take the driver’s seat.
Part of me worries that I’m broken.Again, I know logically that this isn’t the truth, but there’s a difference between knowing it on an intellectual level and knowing it in my heart. Especially on those hard days where I’m feeling really sensitive, I worry that I’m alone because there’s something deeply wrong with me. For some reason, that’s what my brain goes to when I think that everyone’s happy but me.
I’m afraid I’m just destined to be alone forever. What’s in my logical brain and what’s in my heart don’t always match up. In my logical brain, I know it’s virtually impossible that I’ll be alone forever without ever having another chance at finding a special someone. The chances of that are so slim, yet my heart is screaming because it’s so scared of the possibility.
I’m terrified I’ll never experience true love. Even when I reason with myself that there’s a really good chance that I’ll be in a lovely relationship again in the future, I start to worry that I’ll never find “The One.” This is when the fear of dying alone comes spiraling into my mind because I envision a slew of unsatisfying relationships, but never true love. Phew, I can be really quite dramatic.
I’ve only really experienced relationships that don’t work out. I guess when I’m getting upset about the (made up) fact that I might die alone, I’m laser-focused on all of the failed relationships in my past. I cling to the fact that I’ve never gotten it right. Nonetheless, no relationship works out until one that does though, right? Plus, I’m in my early 20s–I was making tons of mistakes that I’ve learned from. I have plenty of time in my future.
I’m a great person I just haven’t had luck with meeting the right person. After all this talk about my terrible fear of dying alone, I have to say that I do have my wits about me. I’m not totally lost to the idea that I’m doomed to singlehood forever and a day–right until I die. Instead, I have a very good sense that I’m a kickass woman who has a whole lot to offer to another person. I know logically that someday I’ll find someone who I just adore (and they adore me), but until then, this fear may actually drive me up a wall.