Ladies, We Guys Are Begging You Not To Do These Things In Bed

Everyone has their own preferences when it comes to sexual activity, but there are a number of things that most of us can agree that we guys don’t enjoy in bed. Why women think we’re into them is beyond me—I can assure you that we don’t like when you do these things, ladies:

  1. Get too rough with the penis There’s nothing wrong with liking it a little rough, but please, ladies, try to be gentle with the penis. Keep in mind that penises aren’t the same as dildos. For starters, they’re attached to us and not always able to move and bend like a dildo. More importantly, they’re quite sensitive and they can be broken. Repeat, a fractured penis is a thing, so please be kind to our “little buddy.”
  2. Anything involving the balls without permission Much like the penis, ladies have to be careful with what you do with the balls. They’re not to be treated in a rough fashion. A guy will probably let you know if he’d like you to pay any attention to his balls during sex. Otherwise, check with him first before you cause more pain than pleasure.
  3. Act like a porn star If we wanted to fantasize about being with a porn star, we would just watch porn. We want you to just be yourself in bed. Obviously, if we’re roleplaying, that’s another story. Keep in mind that sex is real while porn is just a fantasy—we’re well aware of that ourselves. If we’re having sex, we want to be with the real you.
  4. Baby talk I’m going to draw a hard line here. Baby talk is not cute, it’s not sexy, and it’s not cool. Honestly, it’s just really creepy. To be fair, some men are guilty of baby talk in bed, and I apologize on their behalves. Can we just agree to stop doing this and never mention it ever again?
  5. Saying your ex’s name I don’t think I need to explain why a guy isn’t going to like that you say your ex’s name in bed. If this is a problem for you, you may have some issues to work through because not everyone is going to be quick to forgive and forget if this becomes a habit.
  6. Being too noisy This doesn’t mean you can’t make any noise—we want to know that you’re enjoying things as much as we are, so making some noise is perfectly acceptable. However, it’s important to keep things at a reasonable volume. Whether it’s real or you’re faking it and over-selling your performance, you don’t want to wake up the entire neighborhood or possibly other people in the house. A guy shouldn’t have an urge to cover his ears during sex because you’re too loud.
  7. Look like you’re not enjoying it If you’re dating a jerk, he probably won’t notice and he probably won’t care, but the rest of us want to know that you’re enjoying yourself during sex. It can be a little discouraging if we look at your face and you look bored or unenthused to be there. If there’s something that we can do better, feel free to let us know because the good guys don’t like it when you get nothing out of our encounter.
  8. Cover your body OK, I understand that some women don’t love their bodies and if you’re one of them, that insecurity makes you want to cover up during sex, but please make an effort not to. If a guy wants to have sex with you, he doesn’t care. In fact, he probably likes your body. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but if you’re comfortable enough with a guy to sleep with him, you should be comfortable enough not to cover yourself while it’s happening.
  9. Cry when it’s over Don’t get me wrong, most of the time, it’s OK to cry, but outside of your wedding night, there are few reasons to cry after sex. It just makes this a little weird and awkward for us.
  10. Butt play without a warning Much like playing with a guy’s balls, don’t be ramming anything in or around our butts without letting us know first. It’s not that we don’t appreciate you getting a little kinky and spicing things up a bit, but if we’re not expecting it, we’re probably not going to enjoy it. Just let us know ahead of time and we’ll probably be cool with it.
  11. Scratching OK, so we’re super-psyched that we made you climax, but do you have to leave scratch marks all over our back? It really straddles that line between pleasure and pain when we feel your nails digging into our skin. We get it, you get caught up in the moment, but please hold back on the scratching if you can.
  12. Not sharing what you like If there’s something that you like, most guys will be open to suggestions. If we’re not getting the job done to your satisfaction, please share with us what we can do differently. Remember, we’re to make you feel good too and we don’t want to hear you fake it.
  13. Grab our nipples If you ask nicely, maybe a guy will allow you to toy with his nipples. However, most women just don’t have that much experience in that department. It’s more of a guy thing, don’t you think? Anyway, most women who try it are too harsh and rough, so you may be better off concentrating on other areas of our bodies.
  14. Just lay there It’s not that we don’t enjoy trying to please you, but sex is a two-way street. Don’t just lay there expecting us to do all the work. If both parties aren’t interactive, it takes a lot of the joy out of having sex.
  15. Tell us when to come This just feels a little weird and kind of demanding. Yes, it can be wonderful when both people finish at the same time, but don’t try to pressure a guy into finishing before he’s ready or before he wants to (or to hold out because you’re not ready). Just have faith that he’ll come when he’s good and ready.
Bryan Zarpentine graduated from Syracuse University and lives in upstate New York, where he writes largely about the world of sports. His work has appeared on Franchise Sports and WSN, among others. You can find him on Twitter @BZarp.