Ladies, It’s Time We Stopped Pretending That We Don’t Fart

I’m always amazed by how many women say they don’t ever fart in front of their boyfriends. This includes couples who have been dating for many years! To me, farting should be a-okay once the relationship is established and you feel comfortable with your guy. Here’s why:

It’s uncomfortable to hold them in. It can be downright painful to hold in flatulence, leading to abdominal cramping and bloating. Not to mention the mental anguish and fear that it will force its way out. If it’s trying to come out, let it.

It’s a natural bodily function. We’re both adults, so why should we act like it’s such a big deal? It’s silly that it’s something we’re ever expected to hide. In fact, in many other cultures, it’s not a social taboo at all to release gas in front of friends, family, or even the general public.

It’s inconvenient to run away every time the need arises. When I first start dating someone, I’ll leave the room to fart. However, once we’ve gotten comfortable together, I’d like to be able to sit through an entire movie without the awkward, “Oh, I just have to grab something from the other room.”

It’s eventually going to sneak out. And it will be embarrassing if we haven’t established that it’s okay. On the other hand, if we’re already doing it, we’ll either laugh about it or it will feel so mundane that we won’t even bat an eye. Even if I had perfect self-control, there’s bound to be some wind leaking out while I’m sleeping over. Hell, if I held them in during the day, those late night farts would probably be way worse.

I don’t want to be limited in the foods we can eat together. Or before getting together. I don’t want to say no to a date one night because I just ate broccoli or beans for lunch. That’s just lame. Similarly, we should be able to go out for Indian food without reservations (mental reservations; table reservations may still be required).

We should be able to be completely real around each other. And yes, that includes farts. We should be comfortable enough that we don’t freak out when a normal bodily function threatens to erupt. We also shouldn’t be so worried about what our partner thinks that we hide who we really are. It’s time to pull off that mask and stop trying to pretending that women don’t ever do anything gross.

It can be funny. Accidental farts can make for great inside jokes if one slips out during a non-ideal time, like when he lifts me up unexpectedly or if we’re in a hot tub. Oops! At least, we got a funny story out of that awkward moment. And I’m totally okay with him never letting me live it down.

It can bring us closer together. I think that farting in front of each other is a relationship milestone. It’s a bonding experience and shows that we’re moving past the picture-perfect versions of ourselves that we portray in the beginning.

We can be there for each other when we’re having… “problems.” When my ex and I were on vacation, we both came down with a severe case of Montezuma’s Revenge. It would have sucked if we had to keep it hidden from each other and not talk about it. But since we were both cool with it, it wasn’t a big deal comforting each other through this crappy time. Yes, pun intended.

It makes everything more fun when you’re not worried about letting one rip. Trying new foods, sleepovers, and even doing yoga together can be a nightmare if you’re terrified of the accidental fart. Being open with our gas means it’s off my mind and I’m able to live in the moment.

There will be way grosser things that we’ll have to endure. If the relationship lasts, he’s definitely going to see me when I’m less than perfect, especially if we eventually move in together. Food poisoning, snot-filled colds, childbirth, and leaky boobs are just a few of the less than ideal possibilities.

I’m still considerate. I’m not going to dutch oven him or let a smelly one out without warning. Likewise, I’ll always roll down the window if we’re in the car. Letting out the occasional fart doesn’t mean losing all manners. I’m not a monster. Moreover, I’m not going to use this freedom as a gateway drug and start doing gross things, like going to the bathroom with the door open or picking my nose. I still want to keep a little mystery there.

If he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t have to date me. I once went out with a guy who claimed his ex never farted during three years of living together. That’s never going to be me. If he wants prim and proper, he’s going to have to keep looking because I’m all about being real.

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