Call Me Lame, But Being Around Drunk People Is The Worst Thing Ever

I’m always the only sober person at a party. This tends to make me a target for drunk people who want to know why I can’t just have a drink and let loose—seriously, get out. Is it any wonder why I hate being around drunk people?

  1. I feel like I’ve missed the boat. When I hang around drunk people, they always laugh so much at things that just don’t seem that funny. I keep feeling like I’ve missed a huge punchline and then I have to do that fake laugh thing. It’s exhausting. Frankly, sometimes I’d rather be seen as bitchy than fake.
  2. I feel like they’re not really there. Some people can handle their booze better than others, but most of the drunk people I’ve been around have seemed really spaced out. I can be talking to them and they’ll just give me a blank look. Not cool. I should have stayed at home.
  3. I feel like a babysitter. One of the worst things about being around drunk people is having to turn into the babysitter for the night. This doesn’t just involve helping them get off the bathroom floor so they can puke their guts out in the toilet. It also involves holding their hand while the room spins and listening to their sob stories.
  4. I have to dissuade them from their crazy plans. Ever been around drunk people who get it into their heads that they want to climb up onto the roof and jump into the swimming pool or run naked across a busy road? Yeah, it’s not fun. As the only sober one, I feel like it’s my duty to tell them not to do this, but it’s really hard to try to get a drunk person to listen to you.
  5. I have to get into fights. Sometimes they become argumentative when I stand in their way of whatever crazy plan they hatched. Seriously, is this how I wanted to spend my Friday night? It really isn’t. Why is this my responsibility?
  6. I’m expected to look after them. Just because I’m the only sober person, does that mean I have to take responsibility for all my friends who don’t know when to stop drinking? Being a designated driver is obviously important and something I will do no matter what, but I shouldn’t be expected to help my friend find her shoes or text her boyfriend after they’ve had a fight or whatever.
  7. I get told to “loosen up.” What really gets on my nerves is when I’m the only sober person and people see this as a sign that I’m uptight. The drunk people who are throwing back shots and having an amazing time will tell me that I should drink because I need to loosen up. Gee, thanks. I don’t tell them to straighten up or stop drinking so much and I’d appreciate it if they just left me alone.
  8. I feel like I don’t even know these people. Some people do weird stuff when they’re drunk or they say things that I never thought I’d hear them say. Worst of all, they’re not going to remember it the next morning. This recently happened to me with a close friend who confided in me that she was into my BF… and then acted like nothing had happened the next day! Thanks for saddling me with that info, jerk. I don’t need this drama in my life.
  9. I have to listen to their “deep thoughts.” When some people drink, they become philosophical. They don’t actually make any sense), but they speak to me as though they’ve just discovered the secret of the universe. Ugh, it’s so lame.
  10. I don’t get my needs met. One of the biggest problems with hanging around a group of drunk people is that they don’t really focus on what I need from the night. Because I’m the only sober person present, my needs are drowned by what they were hoping to do. Once, this even happened on my birthday. My friends who loved to drink invited me to a pub and the whole night was about them having fun while I sat there feeling like I didn’t exist.
  11. I have to help them do damage control the next day. Once the drunken parties are over and I can (finally) go home, the next day my drunk friends will ask me if they did anything dodgy the previous night. I have to tell them what happened and then go through their shock, embarrassment, and self-pity. So, from being a babysitter, now I have to be their psychologist. Then of course comes the “I’ll never drink again!” Whatever.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.