My Last Relationship Completely Revolved Around Sex And It Sucked

My most recent ex-boyfriend and I had a lot of mind-blowing sex… but that was about all we had. All the orgasms were great at first and kept me too distracted to realize how miserable I actually was with him. I love sex as much as the next person, but not when it’s the centerpiece of the relationship.

  1. Sleeping with him felt more like a business transaction than an expression of love. I always had this feeling that I owed it to him. It was almost like, in exchange for letting me be with him, I had to give him sex. I especially felt the pressure when he bought me something or did a favor for me. It turned sex into a way to “pay him back” and not something that we wanted to do just because we felt like it.
  2. It made me wonder if he really loved me. I was flattered at how much he loved my body in the beginning of our relationship, but as the months went on, I started second guessing his motives. Did he ever see me as more than a girl to have sex with? Now that I think about it, I was always the one who was into the romantic stuff. He would have never said “I love you” unless I said it first.
  3. We barely ever went out. Since our relationship totally revolved around sex, we rarely strayed far from the bedroom. If I were to suggest something else, he would say “he had a better idea” and then…well, you know. I felt like we weren’t doing the things that couples do. I wanted to experience the world together, but all he wanted to do was get laid. It got boring. 
  4. I felt guilty when I didn’t feel like doing it. A lot of the time. I didn’t feel like doing it but I would anyway to avoid him being disappointed. Sometimes I would feel lazy or just want to go to sleep but he rarely ever took no for an answer. The guilt usually fuelled me through it. If I loved him, I should’ve given him what he wants, right?
  5. He would hint at it constantly and it got annoying. At first, it was fun and flirty and I would even hint at it too from time to time, but he did it SO often that I started to roll my eyes whenever he would do things like playfully pull down my shirt or wink at me from across the table. I stopped appreciating these gestures because all I could think was, really? Again? Do you not think of anything else?
  6. It made for a stagnant relationship. I felt like we weren’t growing as a couple. I wanted to learn new things together and discover things about ourselves that we could have only found out through each other. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of madness and I felt like I was going a little mad there for a while.
  7. It was all he really wanted from me. He never really asked anything else of me other than sex and that’s not what a relationship is supposed to be. He should have felt like he could depend on me for anything or ask for my help when he needs it, but all he really needed from me was my body and that made me feel unvalued as a partner.
  8. We didn’t talk about deep stuff. One of my favorite things to do is to go deep with someone, but we never talked about our feelings for each other. I mean, I would try to but he would only see that as a queue that I wanted to have sex. Do you see how annoying this was? The whole relationship felt very unbalanced and I wanted more out of it than just a steady sex partner.
  9. We got into a sexual slump. Not only did we stop growing as a couple, but our sex became so boring and monotonous that it made the relationship die too. He didn’t get bored of it but I definitely did. I like sex to be special and it can’t really be when it’s pretty much the only thing you do together.
  10. Sex never felt special. Believe it or not, sex is actually really important to me. It’s such a special moment that’s about so much more than just “getting off.” It’s the ultimate exercise in trust and it’s really seeing the other person for who they are. Sex became cheap in my last relationship and I really missed those special moments when you’re looking into each other’s eyes and feel connected and excited to “get it on.”
Jennifer is a playwright, dancer, and theatre nerd living in the big city of Toronto, Canada. She studied Creative Writing at Concordia University and works as a lifestyle writer who focuses on Health, B2B, Tech, Psychology, Science, Food Trends and Millennial Life. She's also a coreographer, playwright, and lyricist, with choreography credits for McMaster University’s “Spring Awakening,” “Roxanne” for the Guelph Contemporary Dance Festival, and “The Beaver Den” for The LOT, among others.

You can see more of her work on her Contently page and follow her on Instagram @jenniferenchin.
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