I Learned The Hard Way That Foreplay & Jalapenos Don’t Mix

I didn’t learn this lesson intentionally—it was a truly unfortunate mistake. Regardless, here is my story of what turned out to be the worst date night I ever had and how I learned jalapenos can be truly dangerous.

  1. I wasn’t always a fan of jalapenos or any peppers for that matter. Now I love them, but before I did, I had no idea they harbored a potential for danger. I never ate them or bought them, so how was I supposed to know they can burn your skin? Maybe I was a bit naive, but come on, we actually eat a plant that burns you when handled without precaution? Maybe I knew somewhere in the back of my mind, but not really.
  2. Movie theater nachos are my guilty pleasure. It sounds relatively harmless, but this is where all my problems started, as I later discovered. Again, I didn’t really like jalapenos at the time but my boyfriend did so I ordered some on the side when I got my nachos. Of course, this meant he had to retrieve each jalapeno he ate from a cup and with each one he ate, he got more and more jalapeno juice all over his hand.
  3. After the nachos were gone, we held hands. This, of course, meant that there was jalapeno juice on my hand now too. It’s not like he left during the movie to wash his hands; he probably just wiped them off with a napkin and forgot about it like I did. When we got home later that night, we started making out and fooling around and as I’m sure you can guess, things escalated pretty quickly.
  4. Moments after he put his hand down my pants, I noticed something was… different. At first, I wasn’t sure how to describe the sensation I was experiencing. It was tingly and warm and I could feel it inside and outside my vagina. For a few moments, I thought maybe he grabbed some lube without me seeing. Some lubes are designed to be warm and tingly, right? They even make THC-infused lube, so maybe it was that? After about 20 seconds, however, I realized this wasn’t the case. It was getting hotter—there was no way this was him trying to be kinky by surprise.
  5. The heat spread and the tingling turned into more of a burning sensation. I was so confused and I started wondering what was wrong with me. I tried to keep going but I quickly understood that wasn’t going to be an option, so I stopped him abruptly and told him something was wrong. He was concerned but the only way I could explain what I was feeling was to say, “It feels like my crotch is on fire!”
  6. Suddenly it dawned on us: the JALAPENOS! Suddenly, we both knew exactly what the problem was. He never washed his hands after the movies and all of the soaked up jalapeno juice was now smeared all over my crotch and inside my vagina. Mixed with my natural lubrication from being turned on, the problem was getting worse, and quickly. This is when the panic first started to set in. I screamed, jumped out bed, and this is when my ignorance burned me for the second time that night (pun intended).
  7. I ran for the shower. I jumped in and I experienced a few moments of short-lived relief. It was nice for a couple of seconds until it started getting worse again. The water and my hands, which you’ll remember also had jalapeno juice on them, were spreading the burn even more and now it was traveling down my legs. I didn’t know what to do. I got out of the shower and after some quick research, my boyfriend told me it was best to just leave it alone and not put anything on it since apparently that would just trap the heat.
  8. Each minute felt like an eternity. I was so mad at my boyfriend and he felt horrible. There was nothing he could do to help and I remember laughing as he washed his hands—a bit late now, buddy! He was clueless. Finally, after about 20 minutes, the pain started to fade. After 30 minutes I was almost back to normal and I started to relax considerably. Needless to say, neither of us was up for resuming what got interrupted.
  9. We both learned a valuable lesson that day.  It seems silly now but it was a hard lesson to learn. I definitely felt a little off, more sensitive down there for about a week. Looking back, it’s pretty funny now but it definitely wasn’t at the time. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Always wash your hands after handling jalapenos, especially if any foreplay is in your immediate future.
A politically-minded feminist from the east coast that calls Colorado home. Graduated from Metropolitan State University of Denver with a degree in English and political science. Perpetually planning the next concert to attend or beach to vacation on.