The Less Interested A Guy Is In Me, The More I Want Him

They say that you can’t always get what you want, and that’s a cold, hard fact when it comes to my dating life. In a group of men who’d actually want to date me, I’d still manage to fall for the only one who has no interest in me whatsoever. It’s ruining my love life and frustrating me to no end, but I have a few theories as to why I’m like this:

  1. I enjoy having a crush. Even though it’s torture when a guy I like doesn’t seem to like me back, it still prolongs that fun, dramatic uncertainty I get when I have a crush on someone. Sure, I know just how painful that crush can be if it doesn’t work out, but especially after a long period of being SUPER single, having my romantic sights set on someone is a nice break in the monotony no matter how it turns out.
  2. I always want what I can’t have. Yep, I’m that person who always thinks the grass is greener on the other side, especially when there’s a fence separating me from it. Whether it’s a guy or a cupcake I know I shouldn’t eat because I’ve already had three cupcakes, the unattainable is always the most appealing for me. I usually know that as soon as a guy actually starts making an effort with me, I’ll lose interest — the mere fact that he couldn’t give two damns about my presence is often the only thing I need to go completely crazy for him.
  3. I’m just as guilty of playing hard-to-get. I always think I hate dating games, but the truth is I play this one all the time. I guess when a guy plays hard-to-get with me (or really IS hard to get), I think of it like his “turn” in the dating game. It’s almost like welcome, but annoying karma for all the times I’ve feigned disinterest in guys I was really attracted to. I suppose my comeuppance is the fact that oftentimes, the guy is completely serious about not having any romantic interest in me.
  4. It’s better than him coming on too strong. Nothing turns me off faster than a guy who gets way too attached way too fast. Even though neither extreme is necessarily a good thing when it comes to finding a guy to date, I’d rather deal with a guy who didn’t seem interested in me at all than one who professed his love for me on the second date. Maybe I’ve just met too many clingy dudes, but I almost feel lucky when I find myself attracted to someone I actually have to work for.
  5. I get bored easily. I know, I know — I’m a walking stereotype. I’m totally That Girl who finds a guy who treats her perfectly, then dumps him and pines for someone who barely acknowledges her existence. I can’t help it, though. I crave challenges, and when a guy gives his affection to me on a silver platter, the thrill of the hunt evaporates into thin air. Even if I never do win a guy’s favor in the end, I know deep down that I’d rather pursue him than have an “easy” relationship. And yes, I know that’s messed up.
  6. It makes it that much more satisfying if things work out. Whenever I set my hopes on a guy who doesn’t seem to share my feelings, I know from the start that they’re doomed to fall flat. But occasionally, things DO work out, and all the work I put in makes winning him over taste that much sweeter. It’s not that I think of him as a prize, but I’m a competitive person — I can admit that sometimes, a happy relationship that I struggled to form in the beginning feels like a victory. Is it a healthy way of looking at things? Eh, probably not. But I can’t help how I feel.
  7. I want a guy who lives his own life. I’ve lived long enough to know that a guy who does nothing but text me from the moment he wakes up until the moment he falls asleep is going to end up being a leech. Because he has nothing pertinent to occupy his own time, he’s going to monopolize mine, jumping in on my hobbies and slurping up all my free time like a sponge. It may suck when I feel like a man can’t give me the time of day, but there’s something undeniably attractive about the fact that he’s probably got a lot of other stuff going on. It would be ideal to find a guy who’s busy, but makes room for me in his schedule — I’m just having trouble finding him.
  8. The chase is so much fun. I love being able to relax in a happy, healthy relationship, but even when I’m madly in love with someone, I kind of miss the days when I wasn’t sure if he really liked me or when I’d spend minutes at a time trying to compose the perfect text message to him. That uncertain balancing act of courtship, while sometimes frustrating and even heartbreaking, is thrilling. And when a guy doesn’t give me the affection that I want right off the bat, it just prolongs the roller coaster.
  9. It’s almost like a high when he gives me attention. It’s almost sick how addicting the pursuit of an uninterested man can get. Every time he texts me or does anything that might resemble flirtation, it’s like I get a rush of endorphins. Of course, these moments are always fleeting and would be virtually insignificant coming from someone who showed his interest in me on the regular, but coming from someone so aloof, they give me a rush that keeps me hanging on in hopes of getting to feel it again.
  10. I’ve normalized this in my head. Blame it on daddy issues or all the terrible past relationships I’ve had, but my tendency to fall for men who seem to look right through me doesn’t seem weird to me. I know it IS weird and an unhealthy dating habit, but at this point, I can’t imagine myself ever changing. Unless I can somehow sort all this out in therapy, it looks like I’m always going to be wired to always go for the guy who has no intention of ever going for me.
Averi is a word nerd and Brazilian jiu jitsu brown belt. She's also a TEFL/TESOL-certified ESL teacher and an equine enthusiast. Originally from Pennsylvania, she lived in Costa Rica for a while before moving to Australia. In addition to her work as a writer and editor for Bolde, she also has bylines with Little Things and regularly writes for Jiu-Jitsu Times.

You can follow Averi on Instagram @bjjaveri or on Twitter under the same handle.