Guys aren’t always cool with their girlfriends having male friends, and that was certainly the case with my last boyfriend. To avoid any drama, I told him my best guy friend was gay even though he’s not. Spoiler alert: that ended up being a terrible idea.
I acted like I was guilty of something, which I was—lying.
What’s the big deal with having a straight male friend? I mean, it’s 2018! By lying about my BFF, I was acting like I was doing something wrong and yet I wasn’t. It just made things more complicated than they had to be or should have been.
My ex didn’t believe men and women could be friends.
I wasn’t totally crazy for wanting to hide the fact that my best friend was a straight guy. When my boyfriend and I started dating, he told me he didn’t think men and women could be platonic friends. “Feelings always get in the way,” he said. “Sooner or later, one person will start to get feelings for the other one.”
I disagreed but I didn’t want to screw things up.
My best friend and I have been close for many years and nothing has ever happened between us. He’s hot and really smart—in fact, he’s got loads of qualities that I would like in a BF—but he’s not my type, case closed. Still, since my boyfriend didn’t think men and women could be friends and I didn’t want to upset him, I lied.
One lie led to many others.
The problem with telling your partner one lie is that sooner or later, it can start to grow into many other lies. When my best friend contacted me to confide in me about women, I had to lie to my boyfriend about it. When my boyfriend wanted to meet my best friend, I had to make excuses. He was out of town, he had the flu, he was working all weekend… The lies were getting out of control.
It started to affect my friendship.
Lying wasn’t only negative for my romantic relationship and my self-esteem since I felt so crappy about lying, but it was also affecting the friendship I had with my BFF. When he wanted to meet my BF, I had to lie so that I could get out of that potentially catastrophic situation. But after a few months, my best friend started to wonder what was going on. He knew I was hiding something from him and he confronted me about it.
What could I say?
I couldn’t tell my best friend that I was lying about his sexual orientation. He might’ve wondered if I had feelings for him or something—why else couldn’t I just be honest about him being straight? Or, he might’ve thought my boyfriend was controlling and possessive of me, which he really wasn’t.
My motives were whack.
I was confused about how to proceed. I didn’t want to tell either my boyfriend or best friend about my lies because I feared they’d both think I was crazy. I’d made a huge mistake, I’d thought my intentions were good. I didn’t want my BF to worry that I could be interested in my best friend, but I shouldn’t have tried to protect him. If he didn’t trust me, that was his problem! I was such a damn fixer sometimes, and I only hurt myself in the process.
Obviously the whole thing backfired on me in the end.
One night, my BF and I were out for dinner when my best friend turned up at the same restaurant. I nearly shot out of my chair and ran out of the restaurant, I was so shocked to see him. He came over to the table and was really keen to meet my BF. The two of them spoke for a while and I wanted to die. When my best friend left to go to the woman he was having a romantic dinner with, my boyfriend asked me what the heck was going on.
My boyfriend realized I’d been lying.
My best friend and his dinner date were all over each other. Clearly, it wasn’t a platonic evening. I could’ve lied to my boyfriend and told him I didn’t know my best friend was straight now, but come on. That would’ve been so ridiculous. I was so sick and tired of lying. I had to ‘fess up about my stupid actions.
He didn’t take it well.
I wasn’t surprised that he was really angry when I told him I’d lied about my best friend being gay. He felt that I didn’t trust him enough and I realized he was right. I’d been lying to try to protect myself, not him. He was a grown-ass man who could deal with his own feelings. I, on the other hand, was so afraid of upsetting him that I was always walking around on eggshells so that he wouldn’t dump me. It was pathetic. My BF and I didn’t make it—no surprises there—but I realized I had to change my ways if I wanted a healthy romantic relationship instead of something so childish and pathetic.
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