I Look For Lies Where They Don’t Exist & That Makes Relationships Impossible

All my life I’ve been a bit of a nervous wreck in relationships and I never quite understood why until I realized that it all boiled down to trust and my lack thereof. Even when I’m in the midst of a perfect relationship, I still can’t take it for what it is. I never feel secure in relationships and I’ve realized that my inability to trust is the reason the majority of them ended prematurely.

  1. I usually need to take the lead in relationships to feel secure. I constantly have the feeling that the rug is going to get pulled out from under me, so in order to keep that from happening, I get all control freak-y and weird. I know power should be shared in relationships but I figure that I’d better step up because if I don’t, it all might come crashing down. As long as I have some sort of control, I’m safe.
  2. Even when things are going well, a part of me still doubts. My life has always been full of ups and downs and relationships are no different. Even when things are going really well with a guy, I just can’t believe it for some reason. It’s almost like it’s too good to be true. I have this paranoia that things are gonna get bad soon, so I end up looking for proof even when it’s not even there, thus ruining the relationship.
  3. I get mad at my partner for silly things that shouldn’t even matter. When I feel like my trust in the relationship isn’t secure, I get a little short-tempered. It’s almost like I’ve already blamed my partner for letting me down when nothing’s even happened. As if I’m waiting for him to disappoint me. This obviously causes more fights than we probably should be having and we all know that a lot of fighting eventually leads to a breakup.
  4. Trust between partners should be, like, baseline in a relationship. I always thought that trust was supposed to be like, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING in any relationship. So why is it so hard for me? I can chalk it all up to being let down by people in the past and never getting over it. I guess it would be safe to say that I’ve never really been in a “real relationship” since I’ve never trusted the other person fully. Kinda sad, if you think about it.
  5. I’ve done some crazy things because of it. One time I actually called the airline my boyfriend was on because I didn’t believe he was telling me the right arrival time. It turns out, he was telling the truth… making me feel like a total nut case. The thing that sucks is that when your partner discovers you don’t trust them, they don’t really want to be with you anymore.
  6. I’ve been let down so many times in my life. I think I have a pretty good reason for my trust issues considering how many times I was betrayed in my life either by my parents, a past boyfriend, or my best friend. I’ve been taught to NOT trust people, so trying to get my brain to trust someone nowadays is a struggle.
  7. I end up running away out of fear. A lot of the time, I can’t take my paranoid feelings and just up and leave. I’m pretty much famous at this point for physically running away from relationships. In the moment, I’m thinking it’s better than being in a relationship and feel overcome with angst and trust issues.
  8. My relationships always seem to end prematurely. Since I tend to run away, I’ve never gotten a real shot at a serious relationship. My life has been peppered with these three to four-month stints that always ended up fizzling out. It was honestly usually my fault. I would start pulling away due to my fear of getting my heart broken and then it would all end. If only I learned how to just let go and trust. Easier said than done, I guess.
  9. My partner always finds out that there was something up. I could hide it all I wanted but my partner would end up finding out sooner or later that I don’t trust him. This is why my relationships don’t last very long. I pretend to be a fine, mature adult in a relationship and then I suddenly snap and remember all the other times in my life I was let down and think to myself, why would this time be any different? Ugh.
  10. I try to keep it casual for as long as I can. To avoid my trust issues becoming apparent, I like to make whatever we have going as casual as possible. I keep a bit of distance between us. That way, I won’t get hurt and everyone will be happy until the other person wants something serious. Then it all goes to crap.
Jennifer is a playwright, dancer, and theatre nerd living in the big city of Toronto, Canada. She studied Creative Writing at Concordia University and works as a lifestyle writer who focuses on Health, B2B, Tech, Psychology, Science, Food Trends and Millennial Life. She's also a coreographer, playwright, and lyricist, with choreography credits for McMaster University’s “Spring Awakening,” “Roxanne” for the Guelph Contemporary Dance Festival, and “The Beaver Den” for The LOT, among others.

You can see more of her work on her Contently page and follow her on Instagram @jenniferenchin.