I Lose Interest In Guys I Like Once They’re Interested In Me & I Don’t Know Why

I put so much energy into the guy I’m crushing over in an attempt to get his attention and make him want me. However, when he actually reciprocates my feelings and wants to date me, I’m suddenly completely over him. WTF?

  1. I start out completely smitten. I watch him from afar and try to find new ways to talk to him. I imagine what it would be like to be his girlfriend. I’m borderline obsessed with the guy. Obviously during this time, I assume that if/when I actually get to date him, my feelings for him would continue or intensify since I’ll actually get to know him and we’ll form a close personal bond. Unfortunately, things rarely turn out that way.
  2. It’s totally anticlimactic when he asks me out. When the guy finally asks me out or shows real interest instead of lightly flirting, I end up feeling deflated instead of being super excited. I walk away feeling majorly disappointed. I should be over the moon but I’m not—I’m meh.
  3. I try to tell myself I’m happy but it doesn’t work. I try to believe that the meh feeling I’m experiencing is a good thing. I’m just content and calm, right? I remind myself that the feeling is new for me because I’m so used to pining and stressing over guys I like. If I’m feeling neutral about him, it’s a nice change of pace and probably much healthier. But then…
  4. The first date totally tanks. I meet up with the guy for our first real date and instead of feeling excited, all I see are his bad qualities. Did he always have such as weird mouth? Does he sound a bit arrogant when he talks about his career? Does he seem a bit too interested? Oh God, is he desperate? I can only find fault with the guy!
  5. I know my change in feelings has nothing to do with him. The problem’s definitely with me. It’s not like the guy has completely changed since I started liking him. That would be impossible. Still, I just don’t get why I’m changing my mind about him out of the blue. Clearly something is happening to me on a deeper level.
  6. I think part of me is attracted to what I can’t have. I find guys so much more attractive and appealing when they’re out of reach. I feel energetic and excited to get to know them. Then once they’re right in front of me on a first date, the excitement is gone. I’m like a dog who chases an ambulance. Once he gets it, he doesn’t know what to do with it.
  7. I love the chase. I’ve realized that I really love the chase because it’s so fun and exciting. I love anticipating romance and figuring out how to get closer to a guy. I love the uncertainty: will he like me or won’t he? Will something happen between us? Once I achieve the relationship, the chase is gone and so is the fun of uncertainty. Stress comes into play as I wonder how on earth to keep the guy interested.
  8. Many of the guys I’ve been nuts about were unavailable. They were either in relationships or totally emotionally unavailable. One guy was even gay. But I’m not alone in wanting guys who are unavailable. In a Scottish study, researchers asked 49 women to rate men’s hands and a work of art. They then were shown how the other women in the study rated the guys before being asked to rate the guys again. This time around, their ratings were much more similar to the participants’ average scores. Researchers stated that it’s common to copy other women’s preferences. This explains why a guy who’s more in-demand seems more attractive than when he’s single or no one likes him.
  9. Sometimes the guys aren’t who they seemed to be. They were so interesting from afar, but then when I got to know and date them I was just like, “What the hell was I thinking?” It’s very different to like a guy from a distance compared to dealing with him on a daily basis in a relationship. During the latter, the guy can seem totally different from what I thought he would be. Bummer.
  10. I prefer the fairytale. Sometimes I can’t help but want the fairytale of love. When the guy’s in my head, I can enjoy the fantasy of dating him. There are no negative consequences. I can be whoever I want to be. I think I lose interest in guys I’m nuts about because I don’t want to ruin my fantasies of them. Getting to know guys on a deeper level is when all their bad qualities rise to the surface!
  11. Sometimes I wonder if I subconsciously feel unworthy of a great guy. I often wonder if I like unavailable guys because I just don’t feel like I’m worthy of getting Mr. Perfect. I’ve battled with low confidence in the past, especially when it comes to dating, so perhaps that’s really the problem. I want to protect myself from rejection. It’s safer to idealize a man from a distance than put my heart on the line. Although I think that I really want to date the guy I’m nuts about, maybe I actually don’t because I’m afraid that relationships are tough and I’m not worthy of them. I know it’s ridiculous to feel like I don’t deserve love, but sometimes I just can’t help it.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.