The More You Love Yourself, The Harder It Is To Find A Guy Who Will

If it seems like more and more millennial women are single AF these days, that’s because that’s exactly what’s happening. It’s a topic that has actually been studied. What’s the consensus? If you’re confident and secure, you really will have a harder time finding love. Here’s why:

  1. The “self-esteem movement” is a thing. As reported, the 2016 book Generation Me by Jean Twenge was all about the “self-esteem movement” and it affects how you date. You’ve been brought up to think that you’re the coolest person that you know. This can mean that you think that you’re too good for the guys that you meet and that you’re too good for any guy at all. It’s a good thing to be fairly picky… but it’s not so good to be so arrogant, which is what this translates to.
  2. You’re too good at being single. They also quoted a psychologist, Caitlin Cantor, who said that this gen of women is “skilled at being alone.” Basically, you (and every other cool woman rolling solo these days) have figured out the sweet spot of being single. You can take care of yourself no problem and live the best life ever. While that’s awesome for you since you know that you don’t need a guy to be happy and fulfilled, it’s not so awesome for your love life. And it means that you’re probably going to stay single.
  3. You probably don’t even want a boyfriend. You’ve heard that you have to be secure with yourself and create the life that you want before you can even think about falling in love. The interesting thing is that what you’re doing is totally backfiring. Sure, you’re killing your career and maybe even have a side hustle, and everything is going really well. You couldn’t be happier or healthier. And yet you’re still single. You might think that a boyfriend is the missing puzzle piece in your perfect life, but you might not even want one. Not when you have your life structured to be all about you.
  4. You might be keeping yourself single. Since you’re so awesome at living your single life, it makes sense that you would stay that way. You might not think that your solo status is your own fault… but it kind of is if you look at it from the perspective of the “self-esteem movement.” You might not feel like you need to be with another person. That might lead to self-sabotage (like when you turn down a second date with a perfectly nice guy because you haven’t felt a spark yet) or not even going on dates at all.
  5. You refuse to settle. And while that’s usually a positive thing, it might not actually be. Sure, you don’t want to date just any guy, and you don’t want to enter a relationship with someone who you know is all wrong for you. It’s not like you’re in junior high anymore. The problem is if you think that you’re so amazing that no one is worthy of you. It’s totally possible that refusing to settle and having such high self-esteem is keeping you from finding love. It’s that whole “precious snowflake” thing. You might have laughed when you first heard that saying, but hey, if the snowflake fits…
  6. You’re becoming less attractive. When you act like you’re the best person ever, that’s actually super off-putting. You honestly might be driving away the exact kind of guys that you’re interested in dating. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who thought the world of themselves? Definitely not. You wouldn’t even think twice about walking away from someone like that.
  7. You don’t truly bond with others. Cantor also mentioned that millennials are better at being independent than connecting with other people. Since dating is all about putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and trying to bond with them, it’s no wonder that you’re still rolling solo.
  8. You’ve eliminated the need for a boyfriend. As Cantor wrote on, your generation wasn’t taught some important things, like “How to rely on others for support” and “How to balance putting themselves first, and at times putting others first.” If you really feel like you can do it all and be the boss of your own life, why would you ever need a boyfriend? You wouldn’t. You do everything that a BF would. There’s literally no place for a guy in your life.
  9. There’s a selfish, narcissistic slant to this. Being confident is awesome. Having such high self-esteem that you think that you’re better than other people isn’t awesome at all. In fact, it’s the total opposite. Until you can stop acting like such a narcissist and start seeing guys as potential love interests instead of simply not good enough, you probably are going to stay single. At least now you know why, right?!
Aya Tsintziras is a freelance lifestyle writer and editor from Toronto, Canada. In addition to writing about dating and relationships for Bolde, she also writes about movies, TV, and video games for ScreenRant and GameRant. She has a Political Science degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters of Journalism from Ryerson University. You can find her on Twitter @ayatsintziras and on Instagram @aya.tsintziras.