I Have A Love/Hate Relationship With Being Single

When you’re single, you’re supposed to feel one of two ways about it: totally thrilled or completely miserable. The truth is that I feel both of these things at the exact same time. Yes, it’s exactly as confusing and complicated as it sounds, but this is my single AF life. Here’s why I have a love/hate relationship with rolling solo:

  1. I’m sick and tired of first dates. Yup, I said it. There’s not much that’s fun about meeting a new person and wondering if they’re going to like me. No matter how strong and independent I am, I do hope that eventually, I’m going to go out with a guy who likes me. I think that’s only normal. At this point, I’ve gone on so many first dates that I deserve a good one… and yet that’s not how this whole dating and trying to find love thing works.
  2. I need a lot of alone time. Maybe it’s because I’m an only child, maybe it’s because I’m a writer, maybe it’s because I watch more TV than the average person. Whatever the reason, I like spending a lot of time by myself, which means that the idea of adding a person into my life can be a bit nerve-racking. I know that once I meet a guy that I really care about and want to hang out with all the time, changing up my schedule will be something that I actually want to do.
  3. I want to get off the online dating rollercoaster. One week I’m optimistic about all of the choices and it seems easy to get dates. The next, I’m leaving yet another bad date and wondering why I ever thought it would go well. As an online dater, I know that I have to keep my spirits up and that nothing will happen easily. I just would love to say goodbye to my dating apps because I’ve finally met my person. It really doesn’t seem like too much to ask for.
  4. I like and dislike not having to answer to anyone. It’s pretty nice to make decisions because I want to make them and they work for my life instead of having to check in with someone. At the same time, it would be pretty nice and comforting to know that someone would be there for me no matter what was going on.
  5. I can’t discuss my solo status with my friends anymore. I recently went out for drinks with a friend who asked what’s going on with my love life. While I totally get that she cares about me and is legitimately curious, I’m super sick of talking about this topic. I can’t wait for the day that I can say “I met someone” and we can talk about that instead.
  6. I don’t want to be single forever. There. I admitted it. The most stressful thing about being on my own is realizing that I don’t want this to be the case for that much longer. Sure, I’m cool with living alone and binge-watching as much as I want to, but a year or two years from now, I know I’m going to start resenting my single AF life. And that’s a tough thing to realize since if one thing is clear, it’s the fact that dating these days is not that simple.
  7. It’s hard to plan for the future. On the one hand, I want to make the decisions that work for me and not think about whether or not I’ll be single a few years from now. On the other hand, I wonder if I should hold off on bigger choices like moving apartments because I hope to find a partner pretty soon. Yes, I’m totally aware that I’m probably spending more time worrying about this than actually taking action. Single girl problems.
  8. I’m different when I’m single than when I’m coupled up. When I’ve been in a relationship in the past or even an almost one, I’ve been cool with being on my own, sure, but I’ve also really wanted to spend as much time as possible with the new guy in my life. I’m cool with spending nights alone watching as much TV as I want when I’m solo… and yet when I’ve finally met someone, that feels like the worst idea ever. I’m hoping that when I’m in my next relationship, I can find a happy medium between spending lots of time with my partner and enjoying some alone time, too.
  9. I worry about being clingy. I don’t think that I could ever be clingy since I’m not the kind of girl who wants to text her boyfriend morning, noon and night, and yet this is still something that I worry about. When I do find love, I don’t want to act this way at all. But what if I’m so into the guy that I can’t help myself? Will he be super clingy right back so it will all work out? One can only hope.
  10. I can’t stand overthinking. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t done my fair share of it, of course, especially when it comes to dating. I’ve read and re-read text messages like everyone else and have second guessed my decisions. But I hate thinking too much about the opposite sex when I could be working hard or doing something more productive, and that can make the hurdle of turning a few dates into a relationship a bit more difficult.
  11. I know my single days could last longer. Since I’m so okay with being single, that means that I can’t settle for just anyone. And that means that I could be waiting a long time until I meet the right person, which both makes sense and also sucks. The next guy that captures my heart has to be a pretty special one. He has to be worth giving up all those binge-watching sessions for. Or hey, maybe he can just join me on the couch. That totally works, too.
Aya Tsintziras is a freelance lifestyle writer and editor from Toronto, Canada. In addition to writing about dating and relationships for Bolde, she also writes about movies, TV, and video games for ScreenRant and GameRant. She has a Political Science degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters of Journalism from Ryerson University. You can find her on Twitter @ayatsintziras and on Instagram @aya.tsintziras.