If Love Hurts, It’s Not Really Love

Oh, love. There are so many twisted, warped forms of it out there and it can be hard to tell sometimes if it’s right when you’ve already fallen hard. People always say you’ll know when it’s real, but if you haven’t had that yet then how the hell do you know? Still, you can trust your gut more when you’re encountering drama. If love hurts, it’s not really love at all.

  1. It’s not “intense,” it’s screwed up. He’s not interesting and deep, he’s just a mess. You never know where you stand with him, and it’s a constant headache trying to predict his moods. The volatility of your relationship might feel exciting for a while, but it isn’t healthy.
  2. Love shouldn’t stress you out. It really shouldn’t. The two of you are always fighting and then having angry sex, breaking up and making up. It’ll take over your life if you let it! You should be happy to spend time with your boyfriend, not dreading another night of conflict.
  3. You’re just addicted to the drama. You watch too many TV shows, girl. This isn’t what real love is supposed to look like. It’s not supposed to be full of ups and downs, especially when there are way more downs. Sorry if that sounds boring to you, but stability is a good thing. When you mature and grow up a little, you’ll realize that.
  4. An unpredictable relationship isn’t normal. If you’re bored by a guy who is nice, treats you well, and comes through when you need him, you have other issues you need to work out on your own. If you’re bringing dysfunctional jerk to the table, you’ll get a messed up boyfriend. Being sad and lonely and worried isn’t cool, it sucks.
  5. If he treats you like crap, he doesn’t love you. Don’t make excuses for him. He’s not having a hard time. He’s not going through some dark stuff. He’s not having a quarter-life crisis. If he cares about you, none of that will matter. He’ll treat you well and love you and respect you regardless of his own personal crap.
  6. Don’t listen to his words — watch his actions. He can say whatever he wants, but who cares? If he doesn’t follow through with actions, none of it matters. This guy is letting you down over and over again. He hurts you, makes you cry, and disappoints you… and you still believe him when he says he’s sorry and it’ll never happen again. It will. Go find the man who can and will give you the love you deserve.
  7. If he screws you over more than once, he’ll do it again. Everyone makes mistakes, but has he repeated them? Say he cheated on you and you forgave him. If you catch him doing it again, it’s time to let him go. He’s going to keep on hurting you, no matter what he says. Even if it never happens again, which is unlikely, you can’t trust him, ever. Don’t live that way.
  8. You shouldn’t be miserable all the time. No person should ever let themselves live that way, and yet so many do. You get stuck in a rut and you forget that life can be a wonderful, joyful, happy experience. You are so afraid of losing this person you’ve become horribly codependent with that you’ve completely lost yourself instead. If you release yourself from the source of your pain, you’ll be so much happier in the long run.
  9. Manipulation isn’t love. You’re caught in this twisted web and you don’t know how to get out because he’s been messing with your head for so long. You hardly know who you are and what you want anymore. He’s led you to believe that he does it because he cares about you. It couldn’t be further from the truth. He does it because he’s messed up.
  10. Neither is jealousy. You should be treated like a trusted partner, not property. Some women think that jealousy is a sign of love. If he didn’t love you, he wouldn’t care if you talked to other guys, right? No. It’s a sign of insecurity, possessiveness, and potential danger. It’ll get worse and worse until he’s demanding you stay home instead of seeing your friends and giving you a curfew. WTF? Get out now before his jealousy puts you in a potentially life-threatening situation.
  11. Someone who harms you in any way doesn’t love you. The hurt doesn’t have to be visible or obvious. He might not hit you or cause you any physical harm, but emotional and mental torture cuts just as deeply. It can be even more dangerous because you can hide it more easily. He can tell you he loves you until he’s blue in the face. It doesn’t matter. You need to remember that someone who is hurting you in any way at all is not someone who cares about you.
  12. If love hurts, you walk the hell away. Yes. Definitively. There is no alternate answer. You get as far away from that jerk as possible. Life is too short and you have too much to offer a partner who will give you respect, devotion, trust, communication, and real love. Remember that you are a special, beautiful person who deserves the best love that’s out there. Then hold your head high and walk out that door.
A former actress who has always loved the art of the written word, Amy is excited to be here sharing her stories! She just completed her first novel, and is also a contributor for Elite Daily, Dirty & Thirty, and Thought Catalog. Amy is the founder of What If Journey and can be found on Twitter @amyhorton18. You can also visit her website at amyhorton.net.