My Love Life Is So Terrible It’s Almost Funny

For some people, romantic comedies are total fiction, but for me, they’re reality. I’ve been single AF for several years now and my dating adventures have felt like something out of a really bad movie — without the happily ever after ending. The way things are going, who knows if that’s even in the cards? My dating life is so bad, I sometimes feel like I’m living in a rom-com — here’s why:

When I like a guy, there’s always a catch. 

I recently met two seemingly great guys, one right after the other. We went out on a few dates, texted a lot, and there was a general sense of optimism in the air. However, both stories ended the same exact way: soon, the guy revealed himself to be the total opposite of who he first appeared to be, and I was left with the realization that I’d been dating two more jerks. Awesome.

I often ask myself if my love life is a prank or a big joke. 

Last summer, I had the pleasure of being canceled on twice in one week. Then the same thing happened this fall. I had to seriously ask myself if this was some sort of joke that the universe was playing on me. Apparently, this single girl hasn’t suffered enough.

Telling my BFFs I’ve met a guy is the kiss of death. 

Whenever I grab drinks with my girlfriends and chatted about the super sweet guy that I just met, something always goes totally wrong. He says he doesn’t want a relationship. He ghosts me after the third date. He won’t stop rescheduling plans. It’s almost like the very act of spilling that I’ve met someone is what ruins it  — but that’s just me being paranoid… right?

Only weirdos message me. 

It’s like I’m a magnet for the weirdest people the Internet has to offer. Every time I use my dating apps, I risk reading creepy poems about my glasses and hair or having the same guy message me over and over again about hooking up. It’s really fun… except not.

My friends have stopped asking about my dates. 

They’re the best friends a girl could ask for and yet they know the truth: my dating life is a total and utter disaster. They’ve figured out that if they want to be totally miserable, they should ask me about whether or not I’m seeing someone. Lately, they just say nothing at all and always change the subject — and I can’t exactly blame them.

If something can go wrong, it always does. 

If I have a first date lined up that I’m actually excited about, guess what? It’s going to pour rain. Or I’m going to have a stressful day and not even feel like leaving my apartment (or my couch). Or I’m going to have the worst headache of my entire life. It’s like Murphy’s Law was made for me or something.

I can predict the kind of date I’m going to have. 

Okay, so I’m not a psychic and I don’t have superpowers, but I’ve had so many first dates that it’s pretty easy to categorize them. There are the truly epic and awful dates that are best never spoken of again (except I’m always going to talk about them because they give such good comic relief). There are the boring dates that I forget about by my subway ride home. Then there are the good dates that give me hope and make me think that I’ve finally met a cool person. Those are rare, though.

I’ve been every type of ghosted. 

From old-school ghosting to mooning and breadcrumbing, I’ve experienced it all and it’s always super strange. It’s like my life is one big book of dating slang. How does this keep happening?

I’m the first date girl. 

It’s kind of like being the bridesmaid and never the bride. I rarely go on second dates, and it’s definitely not for lack of trying. Maybe I’m just not meeting the right guys, maybe I’m just not their type, or maybe this is just the way that it’s going for now. Either way, it’s not the most fun.

I give myself 24/7 pep talks. 

Just like the heroine of a romantic comedy who shares her thoughts via voiceover at the beginning and end of the film, I’ve got pep talks going in my head all the time. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, I’m always trying to keep my spirits up. Hey, at least I can laugh about my terrible dating luck, right?

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