I Loved You So Much, I Nearly Lost Myself

I Loved You So Much, I Nearly Lost Myself ©iStock/teksomolika

I had no idea how to love someone until I met you, and the way I learned how was by letting you basically destroy me, one day at a time. I loved you through pain, sadness, and loss, and I loved you selflessly – always putting you first. I guess I just assumed that you would be there for me the same way, but you weren’t. You took. You took all I gave and eventually expected more. I was left with emptiness, confusion and began suffocating beneath the weight of my insecurities. Insecurities that you saw, subtly targeted and forced me to believe wholeheartedly.

I fell for you at your best, when you were brimming with happiness and oozing with charm. We were friends first but I loved you instantly. You were different. You were humble. You were driven. You made me laugh. Your giant, deep blue eyes were captivating, and I’m sure they still are. Over time, we got closer, and my love grew. I learned you had feelings for someone else. I was crushed, but you seemed happy. I wanted you happy, even if I wasn’t the source.

Then tragedy struck. You lost someone you loved, and I was there for you in a way that nobody else was. I carelessly tossed all other responsibilities aside and made you my number one priority – day and night. We found each other in the midst of sadness. I thought that if I could get you through this, you’d be okay again. You would heal. I would see those eyes sparkle again, and it would bring us closer together. Life is long and frightening twists are inevitable, but we could make it through this first one. I was sure of it.

I was wrong.

You took advantage of my time. You took advantage of my kindness. You took advantage of my willingness to be there for you, no matter the cost. You tossed me aside, probably because you knew I’d be there, whenever you needed me to be. I was, stupidly.

We talked less. We saw each other less. You created a distance between us that felt impossible to close.

I went from being your source of sanity, your main escape, to your backup plan. I was no longer a priority. I was a last resort. And few things hurt more than knowing your someone else’s last resort.

But even now, after all the pain I endured while loving you, I still want to thank you.

I would never know how much I deserve in this life without you showing me the cruel treatment that nobody should settle for. You made me stronger. Your cold shoulder made me seek warmth from someone who is actually worthy of me. Your incapability to appreciate all that I am made me understand what I need in a partner, and more importantly, what I will not tolerate.

We haven’t spoken in years. We are not friends on Facebook. I’m sure you’re happy now. You’re probably creating your own little family. As am I. And I truly wouldn’t have found this happiness without the BS you put me through. You definitely didn’t deserve me. But you showed me what I deserve, and I needed that.

So thank you.

is a freelance writer for Bustle and Petcha, and editor for Wise Bread. She suffers from separation anxiety, and can't bear to be away from her dog for more than 20 minutes. Her dog doesn't seem to care either way. Sweater season is her favorite season.