I Loved You For All The Wrong Reasons — Here Are Some of Them

Looking back on our relationship, I’ve realized that I never really loved you. Sure, I said that I did many times over, but that doesn’t mean it was true, even if I didn’t realize that back then. I’ve recently faced the cold, hard truth that I only loved what you represented, and maybe that’s why our relationship ended so prematurely.

  1. I loved having a security blanket. I latched onto you like my life depended on it and now I kinda wish I hadn’t. I realized after we broke up that I fell in love with the feeling of safety, not with you, per se. I guess you could say that I used you, but I totally didn’t mean to at the time.
  2. I loved not being lonely. Anyone would fall in love with the person who wants to hang out with them all day. You pulled me out of my loneliness and I loved that feeling of being accepted by someone. I hated you for taking that away from me, which tells me that I loved the company you provided more than, well, you.
  3. I loved how you always said yes. You were too nice to me. You always agreed with everything I said, so of course I grew fond of you. During our relationship, you always did whatever I wanted to do. If we went out to eat, you let me decide; if I wanted to stay in, you’d say, “No problem, babe.” I liked that feeling of being in control of our activities, perhaps more than I even liked you.
  4. I loved how much you loved me. I hate the idea of being dependent on someone, especially when it comes to self-image, but when we were together, you were my only source of validation. As long as you loved and accepted me, so did I. It was only months later that I realized how unhealthy it is to use another person just to feel good about yourself — the same way I used you.
  5. I loved the things you said to me. You really had a way with words, and what a coincidence that I’m an absolute sucker for them. You would say all of these wonderful things to me, about how you’d do anything for me or that you were completely smitten. I was so in love with these words coming out of your mouth that I barely noticed that our connection was dwindling.
  6. I loved having sex on a consistent basis. You knew this one was going to come eventually. Being in a relationship gave me the freedom to have sex essentially whenever I wanted, and that felt pretty dang awesome. Not only did I have a healthy sex life, it was really good sex and I miss it probably more than anything else I’ve mentioned here. I can’t help but think that the reason we didn’t stay friends after our breakup was because we couldn’t bone each other anymore and that’s all that we wanted (or I wanted) anyway.
  7. I loved the idea of having a boyfriend. I’m starting to realize that I loved the idea of you more than actually being with you. You were a guy who liked me, and that was enough to sign the official boyfriend papers. Just the knowledge that you’d always be there was incredibly comforting. Plus, my mom finally got off of my back about my dating life. That sigh of relief was what I loved, not you.
  8. I loved the attention. As a hardcore Leo, I love being admired more than anything else in this world, and you gave me admiration by the truckload. I think if anyone gave me as much attention as you did, I would love them like crazy. It was that feeling of being put on a pedestal that I live for and it was honestly my favorite part about being your girlfriend.
  9. I loved how similar we were. I thought I was in love with you, but really I was in love with me. I accepted the things about you that reminded me of myself and rejected the things that didn’t. If you acted out or said or did something I wouldn’t do, I judged you for it. I wasn’t able to love your flaws and that means I didn’t really love you.
  10. I loved always having a date. I’m no longer the only single person at the party. It felt good to belong to each other and I couldn’t help but get excited when I felt the approving stares from others. When we were together I always had someone to drag to social events to show the world that I was in a happy relationship. Well, to show the world that I was in A relationship, at least.
  11. I loved having a shoulder to cry on. When I was in my darkest hour, you were there for me, but I couldn’t explain why I wasn’t there for you. I now know that I didn’t truly love you because if I did, I would’ve come to your rescue just like you came to mine. Maybe I’m selfish, or maybe I just didn’t feel the same way you felt about me.
Jennifer is a playwright, dancer, and theatre nerd living in the big city of Toronto, Canada. She studied Creative Writing at Concordia University and works as a lifestyle writer who focuses on Health, B2B, Tech, Psychology, Science, Food Trends and Millennial Life. She's also a coreographer, playwright, and lyricist, with choreography credits for McMaster University’s “Spring Awakening,” “Roxanne” for the Guelph Contemporary Dance Festival, and “The Beaver Den” for The LOT, among others.

You can see more of her work on her Contently page and follow her on Instagram @jenniferenchin.