I used to think that making things official with a guy was enough to prove to me that the guy wanted to date me and only me. After all, if we were an actual couple, that meant we were monogamous, right? Wrong, and I learned that the hard way.
We had “The Talk.”
Thankfully, he was the one who initiated the conversation so I didn’t have to worry about what he wanted. After about three months of dating, he said that he was really enjoying dating me and wanted to make our relationship official. I was so happy because I’d been feeling the same thing.
It was time to spread the word.
Not only did he tell me we were official, but I met his friends and some of his family members. It really made me feel that we were properly dating and not just casual anymore. I felt like I was a part of his life and he wanted to show me off.
He even made us Facebook official.
Honestly, when this guy went ahead and changed his relationship status on Facebook to tell the world that he was dating me without me first having to ask him if he would be open to the idea, it was so refreshing because previous guys I’d dated would drag their heels on this issue.
Unfortunately, I was one of his girlfriends, just not The One.
All of the above points made me think that we were exclusive. I’m surely not the only one who would think that—being an official couple pretty much implies monogamy. Unfortunately, I was in for a nasty surprise when I discovered that I was not the only woman he was dating.
He was actually official with other women.
One day, we were having dinner and I commented that we were exclusive. He looked at me as though I’d just told him I’d been in prison for 10 years. He said that we were official, sure, but we weren’t only dating each other.
Um, what the hell?
I was so shocked by this comment that I couldn’t seem to say anything for about 10 minutes. A part of me kept hoping that he’d laugh and say, “Nah, just kidding. Of course we’re exclusive, baby.” But that never happened. I told him I thought that we were an exclusive couple because we’d had the DTR talk and he’d even introduced me to other important people in his life. Noo such luck.
He snapped me out of my fairytale.
There I was, thinking that I was in a serious relationship when I was just with a loser who wanted to have the best of bachelorhood and coupledom. He said that I wasn’t the only one he was dating. He was casual with a few other women who knew he was official with me, but he didn’t want to be exclusive with me or them. I thought I was having a nightmare. Had I just wasted months of my life dating this guy?
Being official means nothing.
I get that now. I used to think that if a guy was keen to make our relationship official on social media, it was a clear sign that he was serious about me. But after dating this guy, I realize how faulty that thinking can be. Besides, let’s not forget that there are guys out there who claim to be official AND exclusive with their partners online but offline, it’s a totally different story.
I was done with this guy.
I just couldn’t continue dating this guy. We were on completely different pages and although he called what had happened “a misunderstanding” that just bruised me even more. This wasn’t just a misunderstanding—this was a huge incompatibility. I wish I had known it sooner so that I could have saved myself the time and energy I spent on this guy.
I now define the relationship in a bigger way.
At the end of the day, we can only learn from every relationship we’re in, and this guy taught me that having the talk about being official is simply not enough. There are too many dating loopholes out there. These days, when a guy defines a relationship, I know it’s important to make it clear that we’re official and exclusive. Of course, there’s always the risk that he’s talking total BS, but I’ll just have to rely on my gut for that.
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