Major Differences Between Functional & Dysfunctional Relationships

Sometimes you don’t realize just how dysfunctional a relationship was until you get into a healthy one and notice some MAJOR differences. Then you look back in utter disbelief that you tolerated so much BS. That’s not to say that people in functional relationships never have any issues, but they don’t have anywhere near the amount of tension and drama that comes with more toxic ones. Here are some differences to be aware of.

1. Communication I cannot stress how important communication is in functional relationships. You can’t read each other’s minds, so you and your partner can set boundaries, communicate issues, and just talk to each other in a clear, composed manner. There’s no dropping hints and getting angry the other person didn’t magically know out what you meant, saying one thing but meaning another, putting words in your partner’s mouth, or giving the silent treatment.
2. Conflict Every relationship has conflict; the difference between a functional relationship and a dysfunctional one is how you handle it. In a healthy relationship, you won’t stoop to insults or violence. If someone does say something a bit harsh, they apologize for it later. When in a dysfunctional coupling, I would calmly spell out exactly what they did that was wrong, how I found out about it, why I know it definitely happened, why it’s wrong, and what will happen if they do it again… only for them to react aggressively as if I accused them of something else that I’d have no business being mad about. It’s like if you asked your boyfriend to put the toilet seat back down after using it and he started screaming at you as if you told him he’s never allowed use the bathroom in your place ever again. You’re never going to make progress if they keep spinning the narrative to shift the blame.
3. Intimacy Intimacy is more than just getting steamy in the bedroom; after all, people in dysfunctional relationships often aren’t actually lacking sex. Intimacy is also about feeling emotionally close to your partner. In a dysfunctional relationship, you feel closed off from your partner because they rarely, if ever, actually let you in or are vulnerable.
4. Gaslighting Gaslighting has no place in a functional relationship. You and your partner might not always remember things the exact same way, but no one is trying to make anyone doubt their perception of reality. In fact, gaslighting is a sign of emotional abuse.
5. Stability Functional relationships aren’t rainbows and smiles all the time; you’ll have hard patches and disagreements, but you’re not going to have whiplash because one minute things are perfect and the next, they’re giving you the silent treatment for something silly. Dysfunctional relationships have plenty of drama and are rarely peaceful for long.
6. Longevity Not every relationship with last. You can still be in a functional relationship while understanding that it isn’t endgame. Whereas with a dysfunctional relationship, you’re worried they’re going to wake up one morning and decide you’re done or dip the second things aren’t breezy anymore.
7. Values You and your partner don’t need to agree on absolutely everything, but you should be on the same page when it comes to the big things, especially if you think they’re the one. In a dysfunctional relationship, your partner will disrespect and belittle your values when they don’t line up with theirs. Healthy partnerships allow space and understanding for differences, within reason.
8. Respect A functional relationship is built on respect for one another. In no healthy relationship would your partner belittle you publicly, treat you poorly, or insult your intelligence whenever you don’t see eye to eye. It really is that simple.
9. Acceptance There’s no point dating someone if you want to change them into a totally different person. People grow, and sometimes you grow as people together or in different directions. Still, functional relationships are never the result of one party taking the other on as a DIY project or trying to shape them into someone else entirely. If you actually don’t like someone as they are in the first place, why pursue them at all? Cut your losses; it just breeds resentment.
10. Trust A functional relationship cannot exist without trust. Whereas, if you’re in a dysfunctional relationship, you don’t have a lot of faith in your partner. Maybe they already cheated, and you’re worried they’ll do it again, or you tell them something in confidence, but you’re not 100% sure they’re not sharing your business with others.
11. Power imbalances In a functional relationship, there’s no power imbalance. You’re equal partners. In dysfunctional relationships, one person holds all the power and always has the upper hand while the other tries to level out the playing field. This can be due to age differences, status and class, money, or even just if one party is more invested in the relationship than the other. Unsurprisingly, couples who consider themselves equals have more fulfilling relationships.
12. Support In healthy relationships, your partner is rooting for you and wants you to be your best self. A good partner doesn’t tear you down or act uninterested in your achievements while trying to write them off as flukes. In a functional relationship, you’re a team, not competition.
13. Accountability In functional relationships, both partners can take accountability for their mistakes and apologize. Whereas, in a dysfunctional relationship, your partner will never admit to any fault and try to blame you for their mistakes. But if you ever make a mistake, they’ll never let it go and use it against you whenever you argue.