If You’re Making Him A Priority, He Shouldn’t Be Making You An Option

It’s not exactly uncommon to start talking to a guy who is already talking to a few other girls, and until you decide to become exclusive, there’s technically nothing wrong with what he’s doing. Still, that doesn’t make it right when he’s stringing you (and a few other woman) along while he tries to make up his mind about what he wants. If you feel like he’s only hitting you up when he has no other options or he’s only showering you with attention because things didn’t work out with someone else, this is why you shouldn’t waste your time on him:

  1. You deserve to be his first place girl, not his just in case girl. When it comes to relationships and almost-relationships, equality is key. So why are you already giving more than you’re getting with this guy? You’re setting the standard that this is an okay dynamic to have, and you can bet that he’s going to remember it if things don’t work out with his first choice.
  2. Nobody should have to wonder if they’re “worth it.” Being someone’s second or even third (yikes) choice might be tolerable for now because you like this guy so much, but the long-term damage it can do to a person’s psyche and self-esteem is kind of scary. When you tolerate this crap, you’re putting yourself at risk for constantly wondering if the guys in your future are really crazy about you, or if there are actually four other women ahead of you in the competition for his affections. Trust me, I’ve been there, and it sucks.
  3. A guy who does this will always have someone waiting to take your place. You might feel special because he’s recently been giving you more attention than he was giving a different girl he’d been “talking to,” but don’t be fooled — he already has another girl lined up for when he gets bored with you. Boys who play with women like this always have a backup plan, which means that even if you’re his number one for now, you’re not likely to hold that position for very long.
  4. If he doesn’t put you first in line, he’s nothing special. He might seem like a gem of a human being when you look at him through rose-colored glasses, but the simple fact that he’s treating you like a “maybe” instead of a “definitely” is proof that he’s just a polished turd. A real man figures out what he wants before going for it, especially when it involves other people and their feelings. There are men out there who won’t treat you or any woman like you’re toys, and once you find one, you’re going to kick yourself for wasting your time on this loser.
  5. No guy is worth devaluing yourself for. Self-love is so underrated. When you’re dealing with a guy who doesn’t treat you like you’re worth 100 percent of his attention, it can be easy to get it in your head that this is what you deserve. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Remove this dude from your life before his treatment starts taking its toll on how you view yourself.
  6. You shouldn’t have to prove your worth to someone who’s supposed to like you. Guys who are toying with the hearts of various women at a time tend to make things a competition, almost as if they’re under the delusion that their affection is some great prize to be won. As a result, the women they’re talking to try to prove that they’re the best option. It’s really screwed up, especially because a person who’s actually worth that kind of effort would never make you go through all that just to secure your place as their first choice.
  7. You can treat yourself better than this joker does. The attention he gives you might be nice sometimes, but what’s even nicer is giving yourself the same amount of attention and not having to worry about the guy you like saying the same stuff to five other girls. Even if you really don’t want to be single right now, being alone with yourself is going to be way better than being lonely with this dude.
  8. If he’s not going all-in, you need to get out. Nothing half-assed has ever turned out good, and that includes almost-relationships. If this guy simply can’t decide between you and another girl, make the decision easy for him by exiting this mess. It’s going to be tough at first, but you’re going to feel a lot better knowing that you’re not a part of his game anymore.
  9. Don’t boost his ego by being a part of this crap. I swear, the dudes who pull this nonsense always think that they’re such hot commodities, and sadly, a large reason for it is that so many women willingly go along with their games. Please, do the entire female gender a favor and bring this guy down a peg by not playing along. He needs to learn that he can’t get away with treating women like they’re apples at the supermarket, and since he’s not treating you the way you deserve in the first place, you have nothing to lose by giving him a reality check.
  10. Never be the person that someone settles for. Remember that guy that was actually trash, but you dated anyway because why not? He’d probably be super insulted if he knew what you actually thought of him, right? Yeah, that’s how this dude sees you. He has you in place just in case things don’t work out with his first choice, but if he ever actually did decide to make things serious with you, he’d be resigning himself to dating you rather than choosing to date you. Don’t ever allow yourself to be in that position— you’re so much better than that.
  11. You’re way too awesome to be a backup plan. You have so much to offer in a relationship, and if this guy can’t see it, tough luck. You deserve to be someone’s first choice, not the person he talks to when the TRUE object of his affection is busy for the night. Don’t let him continue to keep messing with your head and heart; find someone else who will make you his Plan A.
Averi is a word nerd and Brazilian jiu jitsu brown belt. She's also a TEFL/TESOL-certified ESL teacher and an equine enthusiast. Originally from Pennsylvania, she lived in Costa Rica for a while before moving to Australia. In addition to her work as a writer and editor for Bolde, she also has bylines with Little Things and regularly writes for Jiu-Jitsu Times.

You can follow Averi on Instagram @bjjaveri or on Twitter under the same handle.