How He Managed to Blame Me for His Commitment Issues

It’s a tale as old as time. Girl likes boy. Boy likes girl. Girl wants more. Boy can’t commit. Girl asks why. Boy rattles off some lame excuse—or, in my case, boy attempts Jedi mind trick and blames girl for his own problems and girl actually believes him before coming to her senses.

  1. He said I wasn’t ready. The topic of marriage came up and he said that I wasn’t ready for it. When I said, “No, I really am. We’ve been dating for six years,” he said, “Really? Are you sure? How do you know?” I told him if he wasn’t ready he should just say that. Instead, he said that WE’RE not ready, and continued to shift the blame on me.
  2. He said I don’t make enough money. When pressed further, he said that we’re not financially stable enough “as a couple.” That’s fine and all… except we both have jobs and are financially independent. He claimed that the fact that I make less money than him put too much pressure on him to make more money. I never once said we need more money. If anything, living together and sharing finances should save us money. But no, that would be ridiculous.
  3. He said I lacked maturity. My lack of practicality on the finances issue along with my general trust of all people made me too naïve to him and he insisted I had some growing to do in the maturity department before I should even be considering marriage. Married people are grown-ups and apparently, I haven’t earned my spot at the big kid table yet.
  4. He said I was too messy. Mind you, he’s the same level of messy as me. However, my lack of desire to turn into Snow White concerned him. He thinks we’d be living in a pig sty if we moved in together and apparently, I’m the only one who could solve that problem. He literally doesn’t know how to make a bed or clean a toilet but somehow I’m the one that needs to change.
  5. He said I wasn’t accomplished enough. Apparently, I have big dreams and I long to fulfill them with every fiber of my being. (I mean it’d be nice, but I could do other things too.) If I don’t achieve my goals, I’ll never be happy! (Again, I’m feeling pretty fine where I am.) Of course, when I tried to explain that I’m good, he said my lack of ambition was troubling. Was I not willing to make sacrifices for my family? Do I even have work ethic? Do I have a desire for growth and prosperity at all?! That’s not what I meant… ugh.
  6. He said I was still young. Twenty-five isn’t an unreasonable age to get married, especially for a Christian couple, which we are. He said I still have a life to live. Why settle down now? I made it clear that I want to get married, not move to suburbia and have 2.5 children. Of course, this age problem is all my fault because I’m three years younger than him. This is the excuse that sucks the most because he’ll always be able to say, “Trust me, you’re not old enough. I know.”
  7. He said I was too optimistic. Yup, he seriously cites the fact that I have a generally positive outlook on life as a reason to not commit, as if choosing to look on the bright side is choosing to ignore all the bad in the world. He sees my point of view as uninformed and a sign that I’m not ready for the reality of the road ahead. And yet, when I’m jaded or pessimistic, he wants to know what’s wrong with me and acts like I’ve become an emotionally unstable monster.
  8. He said I was too defensive. This one is just straight up pointing out my character flaws in hopes of deflecting. Yes, when a problem arises, I’m very good at shifting blame onto him and making myself the victim. And while I like to think of it as a skill, I suppose it could be demoralizing losing every argument. Still, in the case of commitment, it’s hard not to put the blame on him. After all, I’m the one saying yes and he’s the one saying no. I’m not really impeding the progress here.
  9. He said I was pressuring him to go against his moral code. As previously mentioned, we’re a Christian couple so we believe in no sex before marriage and that whole shebang. So when I said we don’t have to get engaged, let’s just move in together to save money since I practically was living at his place anyway, HE FREAKED OUT. He said I was pressuring him to go against his moral code. Note: I never said I wanted to have sex. He said he wanted moving in together to be special and something that we saved for marriage to make it a bigger deal, but again, I was already sleeping in his bed and eating his food. I kept pajamas and a toothbrush at his place. It clearly had more to do with how our friends would view the situation than any moral code he was trying to uphold.
  10. He victimized himself. I was causing undue pressure. Who was I, his mom? Why the rush? Why can’t I just leave it be? When I tried explaining what it’s like in my shoes being asked when we’re getting married by every man, woman, and child I interact with, (Seriously, random acquaintances I run into on the street have asked me this but that’s a conversation for another day.) he said that never happens to him except when I do it. In general, his whole stance on the issue is that I am making him the victim of some sort of attack by even bringing it up. I don’t want to get ~defensive~ again, but I mean, really?
Bolde has been a source of dating and relationship advice for single women around the world since 2014. We combine scientific data, experiential wisdom, and personal anecdotes to provide help and encouragement to those frustrated by the journey to find love. Follow us on Instagram @bolde_media or on Facebook @BoldeMedia