I’m Married To An Amazing Guy, But I Still Don’t Believe In “The One”

I’m not trying to dash anyone’s hopes and dreams of finding Mr. Right, but he isn’t out there — at least not the way you envision him. This isn’t coming from a place of bitterness, either — I’m married to an incredible man, but I’m under no illusions that while he’s the right one for me right now, that might not always be the case. Here’s why I don’t believe in the idea that there’s one perfect person out there for everyone:

  1. People change. Who you are right now isn’t who you’re going to be in five years — at least it shouldn’t be if you’re continuing your personal growth. The essence of who you are will look the same, but the way you approach life might not anymore. It’s ridiculous to expect that someone you meet right now is the only one who will fit your life five years from now. You might change in complementary ways, but you’re not a failure if you don’t.
  2. There are seven billion people in the world. You’re trying to tell me that with more than seven billion on this planet, there’s only one person out there that you could happily share your life with? Um, no. I don’t buy it. Just because you find someone who treats you like a queen and makes you excited about life doesn’t mean he’s the only person capable of making you happy.
  3. That’s A LOT of pressure. Think about it. Society has led us to believe that there is a yin to our yang out there, someone who first us perfectly. Does that even really make sense? Think about all of the complex things that make you who you are. Statistically, it doesn’t make sense that someone else would have the “perfect” combination of traits to match that. That’s so much pressure for one man! Chances are, you’re likely to find different combinations of the things you’re looking for in different guys rather than everything in one.
  4. There may be more than one “One” in your lifetime. There are plenty of people who are on their second marriages who are very, very happy. They were probably happy in their first marriages too, which is why they were in their ex-spouses to begin with. That’s proof enough to me that you can’t put all your eggs in one dude basket.
  5. Your happiness doesn’t depend on some mythical chosen oneo. This is the number one reason I hate the idea of “The One.” It makes it seem like you won’t be happy or complete until you find that magical unicorn you’ve been dreaming about since you were a little girl. SCREW THAT. You can be perfectly happy right now without that dude. Seriously.
  6. We are one of, like, three mammals that mate for life… seems suspicious. Does no one else find it weird? Penguins mate for life… but they also live in an Arctic tundra and get eaten by seals, whales and polar bears. I’m not knocking the idea of monogamy — I’m all about fidelity in my marriage — I’m just saying the “’til death do us part” thing does seem a bit intense.
  7. Monogamy is cultural and a relatively recent construct in many parts of the world. Look back in history and you won’t find too much monogamy. I’m not saying I agree with the degradation and belittling of women — I very clearly don’t but even queens married multiple times when their husbands died (or they killed them). Even today, not every cultural is pro-monogamy. #differentstrokesdifferentfolks
  8. Life throws all kinds of crap at us. I love my husband and I’m lucky that he’s always there for me and supports me — but if that changed because crap got too difficult and he couldn’t hang anymore, he’d cease being my Mr. Right. It’s a harsh truth, but it’s still my gospel. Man up or GTFO.
  9. It was probably an idea created by commercialism. Think about it this way: if you’re a dude going to buy an engagement ring, you’re thinking its the only time you’re going to do this, so you go all out. Right? Same with women planning elaborate weddings with dresses that cost several months’ salary. It’s really a brilliant marketing trick.
  10. No one’s perfect, so stop thinking someone will be! There’s someone who is really good for you out there, I promise. He isn’t going to be perfect, and your relationship isn’t going to be easy just because he’s awesome for you. Stop thinking there is a silver bullet of love because there isn’t. Find that guy who’s a great match for you right now and be happy, okay?
C. is an aspiring yogi and Ph.D student who loves her dogs, bright lipstick and to travel. Find her on IG @drparko121314