I’m Married But I Really Hate Weddings — Here’s Why

Despite having had one myself, I really, really hate weddings. Sure, I believe in love and companionship and all of that, but the actual ceremonies really drive me insane. Here’s why I’d rather never go to one again:

Ugly bridesmaid dresses.

I know no bride thinks the dresses they pick for their bridesmaids are ugly and the maids aren’t likely to tell them the dresses suck… but they do! Most dresses do not look good on all body types, and if the bridesmaids have to pay for them, shouldn’t it at least be something like semi-like?

Bridezillas

Weddings are supposed to be about love and the beauty of finding your soulmate, not psycho bitches losing their mind because the hydrangeas aren’t the right shade of white. Seriously, people? Get a grip and chill out.

Watching people get married who have no business getting married. 

This might be the biggest reason I hate weddings. People spend all of this money trying to justify their relationships and prove to everyone how much they love one another through an expensive dinner and ridiculous party favors! Everyone knows you’re not right for one another. #notfoolinganyone

Horrible wedding DJs. 

If I hear the Electric Slide or Cupid Shuffle one more time at a wedding, I will vomit right there on the dance floor whether I’m drunk or not. Some girl always loses the top of her dress because her boyfriend stepped on the back of it, she flashes all of the guests and insults Grandma and it’s all downhill from there.

They can be so damn pretentious. 

Have you ever been to one of those weddings where you’re afraid to eat anything on the dessert table because it is gilded in real, edible gold? Those stuffy, pretentious weddings are like wearing an itchy shirt on a hot day. Get me the hell out and please don’t invite me to anymore. I’ll still send a gift, I promise.

Ugly crying. 

The mother of the bride, the mother of the groom, the maid of honor, the bride, her sisters, SO MUCH UGLY CRYING… and it’s all immortalized in ridiculously overpriced photos. You can put the ugly crying montage across the mantle.

There’s always so much drama! 

I’ve never been to a wedding where there wasn’t some kind of drama. Someone always decides to pitch a fit because the day isn’t about them and they need some attention too. Everyone is a special flower and can’t put it away even for one day for someone else. This is why I hate everyone.

Sleazy groomsmen. 

Need I say more?

Not enough food.

Weddings are really like an appetizer for wherever the afterparty is. Rarely is there enough food to be worth what they paid for it or the amount of time you sat there waiting for them to place it in front of you. You’d think at almost $100 per head they could serve you some extra broccoli or something. Nope.

When there isn’t open bar… WTF? 

I just can’t even with this one. Who has a wedding without an open bar?

Half naked girls. 

There are always at least one or two girls that come completely inappropriately dressed. Black tie wedding and chicks come rocking up like its high school homecoming. Get some class!

The endless parade of parties.

Engagement parties, bridal showers, dress shopping, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner… does it ever end?

I should mention that I did have a big wedding — and it was an amazing day! But some of these things on this list still applied, right down to the drama and sleazy groomsmen. No ugly bridesmaids dresses, though (you’re welcome, ladies).

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