I’ve always wanted to get married and I thought tying the knot with my soulmate would be a dream come true. However, it wasn’t long after we exchanged vows that I realized marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It doesn’t suck, but it’s pretty far from the happily ever after we were promised as kids.
We argue way more than when we were dating. During the honeymoon phase, we basically thought the sun shined out of each other’s butts, that’s how enamored with each other we were. That bliss continued through our wedding but inevitably ended, which is when we started arguing way more often. We have a lot of different ideas on how to live our lives both as individuals and as a couple, and sometimes they clash. No one really tells you about all the fights you’ll have over money, apartments, chores, whose parents’ house to spend the holidays at… the list goes on and on. It’s intense sometimes but we work through it.
I realized there’s a lot about my partner I still don’t know. When you marry someone, you’re suddenly privy to a lot of things about them that can come as a surprise. My partner has a lot of issues and insecurities that I had no idea about and I thought I knew everything about them. Because of that, I was shocked to find that there are still pieces of them that are new to me. Dealing with these new elements takes a lot of grace and empathy but it’s ultimately been worth it for us.
Shockingly, I discovered a lot of new things about myself too. The reality of being with another person for the rest of my life brought out my own insecurities and issues that I also need to work through. It definitely sucks to realize I don’t have it all figured out like I thought I did, but having someone by my side to work through things does make it a hell of a lot easier.
I’ve had to give up the idea of always getting what I want once and for all. You have to compromise in a relationship if you want it to last, and that doesn’t feel good at first. There are certain things my partner and I want and aren’t generally willing to budge on, so finding a happy medium has been complicated at times. Still, we’re both all-in when it comes to our marriage, which means we’re both willing to bend a little to accommodate each other as much as possible.
Turns out, my “quirky” habits aren’t that cute. I thought I was the eclectic, quirky woman of my partner’s dreams, and I was… when we were dating. However, this soon got old and I had to confront the hard truth that I was actually driving my partner insane. That’s not to say that I’ve had to give up who I am in any way, but tempering some of my more annoying habits that reeled them in but soon wore thin has worked wonders for our marriage. The same is true in reverse too—my partner has plenty of annoying habits they’ve had to work on and they’ve been more than willing.
We don’t talk as much as we used to when we were dating. When we were dating, my partner would call me up every few hours just to check in and say hi. We’d talk about our day, make plans to hang out, and even flirt a little over the phone. After we got married, things changed. We still talk now that we live together 24/7, but there are a lot more long silences as well, and calls in the middle of the day are few and far between. It’s a shame but it’s also not necessarily a bad thing—we’re way more comfortable and secure with each other now as a married couple than ever before.
Time to myself is a lot harder to come by these days. When I got married, I thought I would want to hang out with my partner all the time. That was kind of the whole point, right? In reality, I still need time to myself and it’s a lot harder to come by now that we’re married and living together. I was surprised when I realized just how much my partner drives me up the wall sometimes. It doesn’t mean I don’t love them, just that there’s really nothing like spending a weekend alone sometimes.
Couples therapy isn’t just for couples destined for divorce. Everyone thinks that couples therapy is the last option before the end of a marriage, but I can say from experience that’s totally not true. Couples therapy is a great resource, especially for new couples. My partner and I tried it and it was really amazing.
Happily ever after is crap but loving your partner isn’t. Sometimes you’re mad at your partner and want to strangle them, but when you love each other and are willing to put in the work, you know things will be just fine in the end. Marriage requires a whole lot of patience and understanding. I knew that it was going to change a lot of things about our relationship but I didn’t realize just how much. Getting married meant we were making a commitment to one another, and that commitment is the constant effort we put into our marriage. I can honestly say it’s been worth it.
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