You May Not Have A Boyfriend, But At Least You Have Wine

All of your girlfriends are coupled up, and you’re over here like, “Does a wheel of double cream brie constitute dinner?” Frankly, you’ve got it made. Sure, having a boyfriend can be nice, but are you so fixated on having a relationship that you’ve overlooked the fact that you’re already in one, and happily so? If you really stop to think about it, it’s clear: Wine has always been your boyfriend.

  1. Wine Is Loyal. Wine has always been there for you, and you don’t have to worry about it leaving you for someone else. Think about it: who do you spend most of your evenings with? Who’s been there for you in good times and in bad? Who quietly sits with you while you binge on Golden Girls and never asks for the remote? Who encourages you to dance harder when Gloria Estefan turns the beat around? Who calmly and confidently holds your hand during those stressful family gatherings? Who empowers you to keep your mouth shut and numbs your mind when your mom turns Fox News on at volume level 60? Who was it that said you deserved that raise and encouraged you to walk right in and ask for it? Who got you through election season? Who will get you through the next four years? Not your boyfriend, that’s for damn sure. Wine will.
  2. Wine Is Selfless. Wine doesn’t ask for foot massages or eat everything edible in your home. It doesn’t suddenly decide you’re smothering it or complain about blue balls when you’re too tired to lend a hand. It only asks that you give it a little room to breathe prior to consuming it in its entirety. It asks nothing else of you.
  3. Wine Is Charming AF. Boyfriends get old, fast. They start out intriguing, mysterious, and charming, and by month three, they’re belching like trolls and texting all through your lunch date (which used to be dinner, you cheapskate). Wine, on the other hand, never loses its charm.
  4. Wine Makes Everything More Fun. We’ve all had stick-in-the-mud boyfriends who stand against the wall when they aren’t in their comfort zone. BOR-ING. When wine’s your date, you know you’re going to have a good time no matter where you are or what you two end up doing. Everything’s just more fun with wine around.
  5. Wine Is Versatile. Getting tired of the same old, same old? Craving something different? You can’t just go out and get another guy for the night when you have a boyfriend (or can you?) But you can select a different wine for the evening. Longing for sweet, dry, velvety, fruity, or tart? The world is your oyster, babygirl. Plus, wine goes great with brie, which is pretty much all you keep in your fridge these days.
  6. Wine Makes You Feel Good All Over. When you first start dating someone, it can be exhilarating. A dopamine high is hard to beat, for sure, but those things fade with time. Wine, on the other hand, gives you that warm, golden-hour feeling every time you two get together. And it’s gradual — the more time you spend together, the better and more comfortable you feel until, whoops, you’re melting into the couch like one of those Crayola art pieces your niece made you.
  7. Wine Can Make Those Period Cramps Bearable. When you have your period and you’re doubling over in pain, there’s not much your boyfriend can do except piss you off and maybe swing by McDonald’s for a 20-piece McNuggets on his way home (which is not to be underestimated). But wine is excellent at sneaking in there and coaxing those muscles into a comatose state so you can get some goddamn relief — that’s what you REALLY need.
  8. Wine Is The Answer To Too Much Wine. With a boyfriend, there will be times when you just want him to GTFO of your house so you can let loose and have some “me” time. But with wine, you can never get enough time together. Even if you wind up with a hangover, the answer is always more wine. Pop a bottle and nix the withdrawal symptoms that you definitely don’t experience when you’re away from a boyfriend.
  9. Wine Is Like Social Butter. Did you get seated at the same table as that girl with the high-pitched voice who’s “just so blessed” to have been given a promotion, an NFL player boyfriend, and a new car in the same year? Don’t ruin the wedding reception for everyone. Calm your inner Hulk with the power of wine. You’ll find that with every glass of Cab Sav you down, she’s a little more bearable to be around.
  10. Wine Makes You Look Classy. Let’s face it: You’re classy AF, but some of your boyfriends have been far from it. That trash-rabbit boyfriend on your arm is going to detract from your classiness and discourage your dream man from approaching you. With wine on your arm, you can expect your classy level to skyrocket, which means you’re more likely to attract the right kind of guy.
Jessica Shepard is a writer, promiscuous reader, and a maker of strangely religious, slightly blasphemous dog art. She's also in a band. In the past, they would have called her a Renaissance woman. In the present, they call her ADHD. And there's a pill for that, but she doesn't take it.