Maybe You Only Want Him Because You Can’t Have Him

There’s something to be said for the thrill of the chase, but what if you’re chasing a guy that’s not interested or that’s already moved on from your breakup? How long do you keep your feelings going when there’s no chance of anything happening, and why can’t you let things go? Do you only want what you can’t have? Here are 9 signs that might be the case:

  1. You always want to get back together. Before the breakup, you wanted nothing but the end because you were done with his BS. But something changed after you finally broke it off. You suddenly started remembering all the good things and started wanting him back. What you really want is what you can never have: the past.
  2. You go after guys that are commitment-phobes. You secretly love a guy who’s afraid of commitment, because you love a challenge. He hasn’t committed to other women in the past, so that makes you want him all the more. You want to prove to yourself that you’re an alpha-female and can lock him down, but it’s BS and you know it.
  3. You want to change him. For the love of all things holy, please stop trying to change men. Not only does it not work, but it’s also pretty messed up to only agree to love someone once they agree to fix certain things about themselves. A man who doesn’t treat you well doesn’t love you. It’s as simple as that. So stop wasting your time a pick a good guy from the start.
  4. You fall for taken men. There couldn’t be a bigger clue than suddenly finding men more attractive when they’re attached to another woman. My father always told me that a man with a wedding ring was always more likely to get hit on at a bar, and sadly that’s too true. It’s survival of the fittest: if another woman declares a man good/worthy of marrying, you trust he’s a catch rather than risking your chances on a man every other woman threw back.
  5. You love the chase. The beginning is exciting and interesting, because everything is new and you never know where it might be going. It’s fun to feel out of control and laugh at the fear of rejection. You’re not really invested yet, but the object of the game is to make sure he is.
  6. You’re bored three months in. The first few months of a relationship is always the honeymoon stage, but three months in is when it starts to get real. The chase is over and commitment has fully begun. You wanted him and now you have him, but without the risk there’s just no reward for you.
  7. You relate him to your self-worth. Landing the former player shouldn’t make you feel good about yourself. Being with him in general should make you feel good, and not because he was wanted by so many other women. If you only like him because of what other women think, then your affection is all about appearances.
  8. You feel like you have something to prove. Are you proving to your mother that you could land a guy like that? How about the friend that could never see you settling down with a nice man? Finding someone to love just so you can prove it to your doubters isn’t love at all.
  9. You feel like you’re in a competition. Does landing a man feel a lot like winning? Well, it shouldn’t. Love isn’t a competition and other women aren’t your competitors. Your happiness should come from just being with him and not the fact that you beat out a worthy opponent.
Kelsey Dykstra is a freelance writer based in Huntington Beach, CA. She has a bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing from Grand Valley State University and been writing professionally since graduating in 2013. In addition to writing about love and relationships for Bolde and lifestyle topics for Love to Know, she also writes about payment security and small business solutions for PaymentCloud.

Originally from Michigan, this warm weather seeker relocated to the OC just last summer. Kelsey enjoys writing her own fictional pieces, reading a variety of young adult novels, binging on Netflix, and of course soaking up the sun.

You can find more about Kelsey on her LinkedIn profile or on Twitter @dykstrakelsey.
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