Your experiences in dating haven’t been so great and you keep finding yourself with the same toxic dudes over and over again. If you’re constantly left wondering where you’re going wrong, ask yourself these 11 questions to gain some insight.
- Do I know who I am? How’s your sense of self? Is it solid and understood by you or is it mushy and easily manipulated by others? The more pliable your personality, the more prone you are to being with people who will manipulate you. It’s good to work with this question and try to do some exercises that will help you with your sense of self. Some examples are therapy, journaling, self-help groups, and meditation.
- Do I love myself? Can you honestly say that you love yourself, or are you battered by the constant voices in your head that say you aren’t enough? If you find that your self-esteem is low, know that this attracts the type of people you’re wondering why you’re with. The whole “you accept the love you think you deserve” thing is true. To improve your self-esteem, practice self-care and start doing nice things for yourself. Esteemable acts build self-esteem. Sounds corny but it’s true.
- Am I emotionally available? You may have met a lot of emotionally unavailable dates, but how willing are you to get deep and open up? Some signs of being unavailable are an inconsistency with what you want, regularly blaming others and denial of your own feelings. When you’re emotionally unavailable, you attract other people who are the same. You can work on this by starting to take a look at your feelings, practicing being honest with yourself and others, and taking ownership of situations that are yours.
- Do I have stuff I could work out in therapy? We’ve touched on this a bit, but do you have a therapist? There’s no shame in the therapy game—many people find it immensely helpful. I imagine you’d benefit from therapy if you’re at a point where you keep finding yourself in relationships with people who hurt you. After all, who couldn’t use an impartial third party to help us reflect on our behavior?
- What are my patterns? Are there certain things that you keep seeing yourself do over and over again? Maybe you keep feeling in your gut that something isn’t right but you ignore your intuition and do it anyway. Or, perhaps the guys you find yourself with are the same guy with just a different name and face. Examining your patterns is helpful because it’ll give you some knowledge of your situation and a bit of power to maybe choose something else next time.
- Do I know what my boundaries are and am I keeping them? I’m guessing if your self-esteem and sense of self are mushy that your boundaries are the same. Do you know what you want? Do you stick to that or do you let someone else decide your fate? For example, you have no idea how long you want to wait to get physical so you don’t set any boundaries. It’s good to start by figuring out what you want and don’t want. From there, you can begin to communicate what your needs are with others.
- Do I know what my dealbreakers are and am I sticking to them? Similar to boundaries, dealbreakers are certain things that you just can’t settle for. When they pop up, do you respect yourself enough to leave? I’m guessing if you’re finding yourself with guys who aren’t nice to you that the answer is a big, fat no. If his behavior is unacceptable, don’t accept it. End of story.
- Do I have any friends I could talk to about this? Perhaps you have a friend who also used to date guys who were awful to and for her but now she’s grown out of that phase. Pick her brain to find out what she did! Also, surround yourself with more people who have healthy relationships. You can start to watch what they do and absorb lessons from them.
- What feels good about meeting these people? It’s important to acknowledge the good to know why you’re doing something. Sometimes it helps to know that you feel relief from the constant loneliness when you’re with someone, even if they aren’t the right person. With that knowledge, you can start to get that need met elsewhere. For less damage in quelling loneliness, you can text, call, and hang out with friends more.
- What more can I ask for from a partner? What do you deserve that you aren’t getting? What are some needs of yours that you’d love to have met in a relationship? Know that you’re allowed to ask for what you need, but if that’s too hard you can just start with thinking about what your wants and needs are. For starters, you may need someone who’ll make you a priority. Perhaps you also need someone who’s a solid texter and who’s willing to commit to having a relationship. Don’t sell yourself short! Your needs are valid.
- What could I do to make small changes? Moving forward with some new information, you can ask yourself what next steps you can take are. How can you start to improve on the fact that you regularly attract dudes who aren’t good for you? Which of these questions resonated the most? Take what works and leave the rest.
