Forget everything you’ve heard about alpha males strutting around like peacocks on Instagram—let’s talk about the other guys, the ones who aren’t posting gym selfies or bragging about their crypto portfolios. You know who I mean: the guy who apologizes when you step on his foot, or the one who’s still “thinking about” asking for that promotion he deserved two years ago. While the internet loves to throw around terms like “alpha” and “beta,” there’s more to this story than just who can bench press the most or command attention in a room.
1. Social Invisibility
This dude has mastered the art of blending into wallpaper at social gatherings. He’s perfected the technique of standing in groups without actually contributing to the conversation, like a human houseplant. In meetings, he’s got more brilliant ideas than a TED Talk conference, but they’re all safely locked away in his head where they can’t risk rejection. His hand has been halfway raised to speak about 47 times today, but he’s still waiting for the “perfect moment.” You’ll probably find him in the corner at parties, having an intense conversation with the host’s dog.
2. Personality Shape-Shifting
Watch as he morphs into whatever he thinks others want, like a romantic chameleon. He suddenly loves yoga, true crime podcasts, and oat milk lattes because his new girlfriend mentioned them once. His opinions are more flexible than a gymnast, changing to match whoever he’s talking to. He’s read every article ever written about “what women want” but still hasn’t figured out what he wants. His dating profile is basically a Mad Lib of whatever he thinks will get the most matches.
3. Extreme People-Pleasing
This is the guy who’s doing everyone else’s work at the office while his own deadlines are crying in the corner. He’s got “sorry” on speed dial and uses it more often than his actual phone. When the boss asks who can stay late, his hand shoots up so fast you’d think it was attached to a spring. He’s made a sport out of saying yes to things he secretly hates. His calendar looks like a game of Tetris where everyone else’s priorities are the blocks, and his own plans are the gaps that keep disappearing.
4. Chronic Overthinking
Meet the guy who could overthink a ham sandwich. He’s still analyzing that conversation from 2019 where he said “You too” when the waitress said, “Enjoy your meal.” Making decisions is his personal version of climbing Mount Everest—even choosing what to watch on Netflix requires a spreadsheet, three phone calls, and a pros/cons list. He’s got backup plans for his backup plans, yet somehow still ends up in analysis paralysis over which brand of toothpaste to buy. The amount of mental energy he spends on minor decisions could power a small city.
5. Excessive Apologizing
He apologizes so much, you’d think he was personally responsible for everything wrong in the world. He’s sorry for taking up space, sorry for having opinions, sorry for being sorry. He apologizes to furniture when he bumps into it—and sometimes even when he doesn’t. His text messages are 90% apology emojis, even when he’s done absolutely nothing wrong. The other 10% is him apologizing for using too many apologetic emojis.
6. Career Passivity
Here’s someone whose LinkedIn profile screams “Please don’t notice me too much.” He’s been “considering” asking for a raise since Obama’s first term. His good ideas come packaged in so many qualifiers that by the time he’s done explaining them, the meeting’s over, and everyone’s gone to lunch. He’s watching people he trained get promoted over him while he quietly updates their training manuals. The highlight of his professional assertiveness was when he almost sent an email suggesting a different font for the company newsletter.
7. Digital Hesitancy
While others are living their best Instagram life, this guy’s social media presence is basically digital tumbleweed. When he does post something, it’s so carefully curated and overthought that by the time he hits ‘share,’ the trend he’s commenting on has already become retro. He’s got drafts older than some influencers’ entire careers. His most daring social media move was liking a post from three years ago at 2 AM, which he then spent a week stressing about.
8. Conflict Avoidance
He treats confrontation like it’s radioactive. He’d rather eat a burrito he didn’t order than tell the waiter they got his order wrong. His conflict resolution strategy is pretending nothing’s wrong until it hopefully goes away on its own. He’s developed ninja-level skills at changing the subject when tensions rise. He’s still getting mail from the previous tenant because he doesn’t want to have an awkward conversation with the post office.
9. Excessive Emotional Labor
He’s carrying more emotional baggage for other people than an airport carousel during holiday season. This is the guy who becomes everyone’s therapist by default, while his own emotional needs are stuffed deeper than last year’s Christmas decorations. He knows every detail of his friends’ relationship dramas but hasn’t unpacked his own feelings since 2015. His empathy levels are so high, that he feels bad for the “bad guys” in movies.
10. Constant Permission-Seeking
He needs a signed permission slip from at least three people before making any life decision. He’s constantly asking “Is it okay if…” even for things that don’t require anyone’s approval. Making plans with him is like navigating international diplomacy—he needs to check with his roommate, his cat, and probably his plant before committing. He once spent two hours trying to figure out if it was socially acceptable to leave a group chat.
11. Compliment Deflection
Compliments bounce off him like he’s wearing praise-proof armor. Tell him he did a good job, and he’ll give you a PowerPoint presentation about why it wasn’t actually that impressive. He could cure cancer and would probably say “Oh, it was mostly luck and Google.” His response to praise is always a weird mix of denial, self-deprecation, and random weather observations. He’s got more ways to dodge a compliment than Neo dodging bullets in The Matrix.
12. Achievement Minimization
He could win a gold medal and would probably apologize for not breaking the world record. Every accomplishment comes with a built-in disclaimer about how it wasn’t really that big a deal. He’s got more qualifiers in his success stories than a legal document. When he does something impressive, he’ll credit everything from the alignment of the planets to his lucky socks before accepting any personal praise. His LinkedIn profile reads like an apology for being good at his job.
13. Risk Aversion
He treats risks like a cat treats dogs—avoiding them at all costs and looking mildly panicked when forced to deal with them. His comfort zone is so well-established that it practically has its own zip code. The idea of making a major life change gives him more anxiety than a coffee addict without their morning brew. He’s still using the same phone case from 2015 because trying a new one feels too risky. His idea of living dangerously is ordering something different at his regular lunch spot.
