When you go through a breakup, it’s going to hurt. However, things can get confusing when you end things with a guy who was basically a trash pile in human form. Sure, you know he was the worst kind of loser, but somehow, you still find yourself… missing him? It’s easy to get down on yourself for feeling this way about such a crappy person, but this is why you shouldn’t beat yourself up when these feelings cross your mind:
- He didn’t always treat you like crap. Maybe it’s been a while since this was true, but once upon a time, this guy treated you pretty well. That’s why you got together with him in the first place, after all. If a frog jumps into a pot of boiling water, it jumps out, right? But if it jumps into a pot of lukewarm water and waits while the temperature increases little by little, it’ll get cooked before it realizes just how dangerously hot the water has become. This guy wasn’t always a jerk to you, which is why you stuck around as long as you did. Don’t feel guilty for looking back on the good times with a bit of nostalgia.
- The longer you hold on, the harder it is to let go. There’s a reason we get so attached to people we spend a lot of time with. We invest a lot in these relationships, including time, energy, and our emotions. So if you’ve been with a guy for six months, of course it’s going to hurt when you officially end things. Even if he was the ultimate douchebag, it’s hard to shake off the hold that someone retained on you for so long.
- It’s hard to forget about the person you thought he was. Because even the crappiest of jerks don’t always show their true colors, we tend to construct our whole impression of them around the good aspects of their personalities. When the bad parts start to show through, we hold out hope that this is just a phase— that deep down, he’s still that awesome person we became attracted to in the first place. Even after things go south, it’s still hard to let go of the guy you originally fell for… even if the person he turned out to be isn’t worth a single thought.
- There were still good times. When you end up missing this guy, you’re not longing to repeat the times he didn’t text you back or flirted with other girls right in front of your face — you’re holding on to the times he took care of you when you were sick and looked at you like you were the whole world. It’s okay if you need to mourn the loss of the best of times while celebrating your freedom from the worst of times.
- We can’t control who we fall for. I like to think I make generally good choices, but for some reason, the guys I date do NOT fall into that category. I know the same is true for many other intelligent people I know. Even if you know this dude was basically the worst human being you could ever hope to be romantically attached to, it doesn’t always stop you from falling for him. Give yourself a break— you can’t force your emotions to go one way or the other.
- Your brain and your heart often disagree. Even when your head says “no,” your heart might still be saying “yes.” Your head is what got you out of this crappy relationship in the first place, so it deserves heaps of thanks, but that doesn’t mean your heart will be completely over it as soon as you leave. What’s important is that you got away from this scumbag. It’s okay if the emotional side of you still needs some time to let go of him.
- This could be your mind’s way of trying to protect you. When you go through something traumatic or even just unpleasant, you’ll often find that down the road, you’ll forget large parts of the terrible thing that happened to you. This is your brain putting up a shield to try to keep you from being too traumatized, and you can bet that it happens post-breakup. If deep down you know he was a horrible person, but you’re having a hard time focusing on why he was so horrible, it might be your brain trying to keep you from being a sobbing, nonfunctioning disaster over how a person you care about could treat you so terribly.
- It’s difficult to give up on someone you had such high hopes for. Even if you’ve accepted that he’s not the person you thought he was, the struggle sometimes involves letting go of his potential. Sure, he had anger/commitment/everything issues, but he always seemed like the kind of guy who could work through them. After you’ve washed your hands of him, it can still tear you apart to think about just how good things might have been if he’d only done this or that or THAT. This is tough stuff, and you shouldn’t be hard on yourself if you get stuck on it.
- It takes time to adapt to life without someone you cared about. He might have been the world’s worst boyfriend, but he was still a boyfriend. I know you’re a strong woman whether you’re single or in a relationship, but making that transition back to living without him is tough no matter who you are. It’s completely normal to spend nights wishing he was cuddling with you or missing the way you two used to talk every night before you went to bed. Whether or not this guy is “worth it” is irrelevant — this is all part of any breakup.
- Missing him is better than being with him. It’s fine to think about him, dream about him, and cry about him. What’s important is that you’re no longer with him. That in itself is proof that you’re a strong-ass lady, and missing him isn’t nearly enough to change that.
