Morning Sex Sucks & I Don’t Know Why Everyone Likes It

Morning sex is forever being hyped by movies and media as the ultimate sexual experience and I seriously don’t get it. In fact, I can’t think of anything worse than getting down and dirty when I’ve just woken up.

Feeling sexy when you wake up isn’t a thing. When I wake up in the morning, I’m usually thinking of two things: what to have for breakfast and whether I can sleep a little longer. I’m grumpy and sleepy and the last thing on my mind is sex. It doesn’t matter if there’s some gorgeous guy next to me in bed—I simply don’t feel sexy when I wake up.

You can’t pretend you don’t have bad breath. This is what bugs me the most. I just can’t bear kissing somebody when neither of us has brushed our teeth for the morning. Morning breath is easy to smell and hard to get away from, especially when someone keeps trying to stick their tongue down your throat. After you’ve brushed your teeth, if there was any kind of mood there before, it will be killed off in the time it takes to brush your pearly whites.

Sex feels gross before having a shower. This may be an unpopular opinion. I get it, having a hot shower after sex burns away all the… interesting stickiness of sex. But at the same time, I get super self-conscious of anyone going near my downstairs when I haven’t given it the all-clear in the shower—and there’s no way I’m going near a guy’s junk. I can’t be the only one who finds the smell of citrus shower gel more attractive than week-old sheets.

Summoning the energy to perform isn’t easy. On the off-chance I actually do want to have sex in the morning, I feel like I’m letting my partner down every time. I can never quite summon the energy needed to completely satisfy myself, let alone somebody else. I’d rather have sex at a time when I’m raring to go for longer than five minutes without having to take a nap. Lying there in a near-vegetative state because you’re so tired isn’t exactly fun for either party involved.

I don’t want to think about sleep during sex. Sex is great, I know, but when there’s an uber soft mattress below me and a pile of plush cushions, you bet I’ll argue that actually sleeping in my bed is better. Catch me at a different time and this is never usually the case, but with temptation lying underneath me, it’s all I can think about. Ultimately, it’s unfair on the person I’m with to be dreaming of a blissful sleep rather than them, so you can’t blame me when I opt to sink into my pillows instead.

It is usually a rush job before work. Morning sex is not as convenient as in the movies, where they can somehow miss their first hour of work to have a long session of steamy sex before they eventually leave. In reality, it’s a quick fumble during which you’re never quite sure if either of you got anything out of it. You miss out on the whole hold-me-in-your-arms-for-half-an-hour-after-sex moment, which is sometimes the best part of a sexual encounter.

Sex is better in the evening, so why choose the morning to have it? In every single way, shape, or form, sex is 100% better when it’s night time. You can dim the lights to create a sultry mood, change into some mildly uncomfortable but sexy underwear, and you actually have the time to put your all into sex. When you compare that to what you usually get in the morning, there really isn’t even a point in trying to pretend morning sex is superior or even desirable in any way.

It takes time out of sleeping in. When it comes to the weekend, I get to have the one thing I’ve been dreaming of all week- a good night’s sleep—one that is uninterrupted, unattractively heavy, and damn near perfect. When I get the person next to me trying to wake me up for a sex session, I’m rarely in the mood. In fact, what I want more than anything is to have my bed to myself so that I can recover my energy from such a long week. I know that sex is supposed to put you in a good mood, but not when you’re trying to remove me from my natural habitat.

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