Here’s My Assessment Of Straight Men As A Queer Woman

I’m not sexually attracted to men but I have met an inordinate amount of straight, cisgendered men in my life and I have to tell you a secret: we have a lot in common—and I don’t just mean our love for the ladies. Here are some things I’ve noticed about straight men that I can relate to.

Their deodorant is top-notch. I think even straight girls can agree that Old Spice smells good and does a really great job covering up armpit smell. Men’s deodorant just smells more natural and fresh. Also, as someone who doesn’t shave her armpits, it’s pretty much necessary to cover up that actual natural scent.

They’re picky about short lengths. My goodness, women’s shorts are terrible. Either they’re booty shorts than give you the worst chub rub of your life or you look like a middle-aged woman on vacation in Bermuda. Straight men have got this short situation down—ever try on a pair of basketball shorts? Those things are so comfy and they’re also the perfect length. Sure, they don’t really look good on me, but I’ll sacrifice beauty for comfort any day. At the end of the day, that’s what men’s apparel is all about, am I right?

For them, shaving is totally optional. When you see a man with leg hair, there’s no surprise there because why shave that stuff? I have the same attitude. I shaved my legs when I was a teenager and it was not fun. I stopped, and now I’m much happier. Same deal with the armpit hair—as long as you’re clean, there’s no need to shave.

They’re really into boobs. Now, I do appreciate a nice bosom, but I’ll admit the few straight guys I have talked to about this are really into boobs. I get it—they’re still an inexplicable taboo so you don’t see them much and when you do, it’s rare and exciting. I suppose it’s less exciting for me because I see them all the dang time. Still, I think we both have a good appreciation for them.

Sometimes they condescend to you to explain something. I’m actually guilty of mansplaining too, and I don’t even notice it until someone calls me out on it. Someone says something you have some knowledge about and you think, “Aw man, I know about that!” and you have to show off. I get it. Still, it’s pretty rude and often sexist. I try to curb my impulse to mansplain and I know some straight guys do too. We should all strive to stop doing it.

They often volunteer to lift heavy objects or do other taxing physical labor because they like showing off. Guilty as charged! Especially when someone goes, “Can I get one of the guys to help me with this?” because then it’s about proving I’m just as strong as any guy. Which, honestly, I’m not—my muscles are pretty soft but I still volunteer at any opportunity to help someone carry something heavy. It’s just about the principle of the matter.

Sometimes they have man crushes. I am not attracted to dudes, but sometimes I do have to show some appreciation to a particularly top notch dude. I see my straight male friends do this all the time, obsessing over this one guy who they idealize to the point that everyone else is asking if they may be just a little gay for them. The answer is usually no, and I don’t think you have to be gay for someone to crush on them. I’ve had a couple man crushes myself, and I’m definitely not straight for them.

They can have trouble with emotions because of societal expectations. Toxic masculinity is real. For guys, it’s usually that they’re taught that the only acceptable emotion is anger, so that’s their go-to. It sucks because that’s damaging. I have issues expressing anger because as a woman, I’m expected to be sad rather than angry. It would be great if we could all just let ourselves feel the whole emotional gambit, you know? I think most guys would agree.

In the end, they just want someone to take care of them. All right, this one is just in my own personal experience. Still, I’ve noticed that a lot of straight guys don’t just want sex—they want someone who can support them and take care of them. This one I totally get because I just want the same thing. I think most people want that—a person to love you no matter what and be with you through everything, whether it’s a man, a woman, or a non-binary individual. Most people just want love and acceptance, even straight, cisgendered men.

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