I Need A Man Who Can Handle My Type Of Crazy

I’m not going to toss your clothes out the window or key your car when I get upset. I’m not going to text you every five minutes and accuse you of cheating when I’m angry, either. I’m a different type of crazy, and I need a man who can handle it.

  1. I cry over stupid things. I might shed a tear over a silly argument, a sappy movie, or a commercial with a dog in it. I’m not always in complete control of my emotions, and I need a boyfriend who’s comfortable with that. He should be grabbing me a tissue instead of grabbing his car keys.
  2. I’m a kid at heart. I love the idea of pillow forts, can’t wait to see Finding Dory, and consider Disney my dream vacation spot. I’m never really going to grow up. I need a man who finds that charming instead of childish.
  3. I’m not at all ladylike. If you want a prim and proper lady that knows the difference between a dessert fork and a salad fork, you’re looking in the wrong place. I belong in a burger joint, eating with my hands. I’m too down to earth to be considered elegant.
  4. I’m more self-conscious than you think. I know I’m a catch, but that doesn’t stop my anxiety from gnawing at the back of my mind. No matter how many times you tell me you love me, there will still be days when I wonder how the hell you could settle for someone like me. I need a man who can handle me on my down days, because I won’t always be in the best mood.
  5. I can shut down completely. Some days, I won’t say a word. It doesn’t mean I’m mad or upset or going through a quarter-life crisis. It just means I’m not in the mood to be social, and I need a man who’s OK with that.
  6. I actually like to complain. In winter, I’m going to complain about being cold, but when summer arrives, I’m going to complain about the heat. I’ll also complain about my job, my car, and my bills. I’m not actually unhappy; It’s just the way I talk about my life.
  7. I get way too excited over small things. When Sephora launches a new line or The Walking Dead airs their finale episode, it’s all I’m going to be talking about for weeks. I enjoy the little things in life, and I don’t need a man who makes fun of me for it. I need a man who admires me for it.
  8. I gossip more than I should. I claim that I hate drama, but when my best friend comes to me to rant about the loser she’s dating, I eat up every word she says. I like to know what’s going on in other people’s lives, and I don’t need a man who lectures me about minding my own business. I need him to accept my nosiness.
  9. I can be overly dramatic. If something small goes wrong, I’ll act like it’s the end of the world. I need a guy who won’t mind my miniature freak outs, because I’ll get over it in a few minutes. I just need time to rant before I can cool down and think things over rationally.
  10. I expect extraordinary sex. I want a man to pull my hair while I claw at his chest in the back of his car. I’m not asking for anything crazy. I just need more than mundane missionary sex at the same time each night.


Holly Riordan is a writer from Long Island, New York who has authored several science fiction and horror books. A graduate of Stony Brook University, she has spent nearly a decade writing for publications including Thought Catalog, Huffington Post, Teen Vogue, and more. You can find her on Instagram @hollyrio and Twitter @hollyyrio.