He Needs To Make An Effort, But Expecting Him To Work Crazy Hard To Get You Isn’t Cool

A guy needs to make an effort to show you that he wants you in his life, of course, but that doesn’t mean he should have to jump through hoops while on fire just to earn your love. Here’s how to tell if you’re putting him through an unfair obstacle course because you’re difficult to love.

  1. You treat him like he has to prove himself. Yes, you want a guy to show you that he’s trustworthy and genuine, but that doesn’t mean that you should expect him to be perfect. He’s going to have flaws and nitpicking for them is not going to make for a happy relationship at all. In fact, it will just build resentment. Have expectations for him to treat you right, of course, but don’t make him feel like he’s never making the cut. Appreciate the goodness he brings you or you’ll lose him.
  2. You throw your issues onto him. You have issues from the past, thanks to the toxic guys you dated, and you don’t want to fall for that stuff again. Just make sure you’re not making this guy pay for what the others did to you, like by always being suspicious of everything he does as though you’re expecting him to cheat on you.
  3. You don’t compromise. He’s the guy so he’s got to prove himself to you. Right? Wrong! There should be compromise from the beginning and if you don’t meet him halfway, you’re not being fair. It’s like you’re afraid to give to the relationship, but that’s where all the rewards are.
  4. You expect him to crawl after you. Playing hard to get can be a good thing to show the guy you’re not desperate, but if you’re always holding back, you’re actually rejecting him. Do you expect him to crawl after you no matter how much you stay out of reach? This can start to feel like a manipulation tactic or like you’re playing around with his feelings, which a decent guy wouldn’t (and shouldn’t) stand for.
  5. No matter what he does, you don’t believe he loves you. Even though he tells you that he loves you, you don’t believe him. If he’s a decent, honest human being, then you have to ask yourself why. Is it because you don’t love yourself so you can’t accept love from other people?
  6. You use sex as a power play. If he pisses you off, you withhold sex. Although you might think that dangling the offer of sex in front of him is good to make him work for it, you shouldn’t let him feel that sex can be used against him. It’s not a nice way to mess with anybody.
  7. Your moods are all over the place. You have volatile moods and you expect your boyfriend to deal with them. I mean, he should if he loves you, right? Not if you’re making him feel like he never knows what to expect or if he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around you. It’s supposed to be a relationship, not a minefield.
  8. You push away physical affection. When he tries to touch and hug you, you move away. You might not be big on physical affection, but chemistry and closeness are important in a relationship. He shouldn’t feel like he has to try to earn your affection.
  9. You’re a different girlfriend in public. You might be wonderful to him in private, but then when you’re out with your friends, you become totally different towards your boyfriend. Perhaps you treat him like he’s nothing special in your life or you flirt with other guys. The result is that he feels rejected and like he has to work extra hard to be with you. It’s not cool.
  10. Your boyfriend is your emotional punching bag. When things go badly for you, instead of turning to your boyfriend for support, he becomes the person you dump all your issues on. You might even feel that he just doesn’t support you in the right way, so you end up arguing with him. If he doesn’t give you the support you need, don’t fight about it. Speak to him about what you need. Asking for what you want is strong and sexy.
  11. You want him but you’re scared. You opened up to let him into your life, but now that he’s your boyfriend you feel the case of ice around your heart closing again. Why? You’re scared to love and this makes you distant, which can leave your boyfriend wondering WTF happened and why you changed overnight. Give him an ice pick by opening up to him instead of leaving him out in the cold. If he’s worth it, you shouldn’t push him away.
  12. Your trust issues make you difficult to love. It’s common for people who’ve been hurt to go out and hurt others, but it’s not fair. Deal with your issues instead of making them hurt the people you date. For instance, say your trust issues make you fear commitment. This might make you feel you must always be on the lookout for other guys to get with, to keep your options open and prevent you from feeling tied down. But guys who date you have to deal with that crap, which feels childish and makes them lose respect for you. It’s not worth it, no matter how great of a catch you are.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.