I Have A Nervous Breakdown Every Time Someone I Know Gets Engaged

There’s one thing I’m pretty much guaranteed to see every time I pull up my Facebook feed: another damn engagement. It’s not that I’m not happy that people are finding love, it’s just that it’s not happening for me and it makes me doubt my whole existence.

I’m not getting any younger. Soon I’ll be 30, then 40, then I’ll be dead. I’m running out of time to find the love of my life and there are no prospects in sight. I feel like the likelihood of finding my soulmate is decreasing with every passing year and that makes me anxious as hell.

I don’t even think I want to get married but I feel like I should be. I’m not seeing anyone right now and I don’t really believe in marriage as an institution, but suddenly I feel like I’m running behind everyone else and I should be engaged too. I’m constantly looking at guys, wondering whether they’re marriage material or not. I used to look at guys and wonder if they were good kissers.

I feel like I’m more of a catch than some of the people I know who are engaged. I knew them when we were younger and thought they were kinda boring. Now someone is totally in love with their mundane existence and is committing to that for life. I know it sounds petty, but I think I’m an interesting person and no one’s saying they want to be part of my life forever. Then I realize maybe my attitude is the problem and that’s why I’m still alone. Ugh!

I try to go on plenty of dates but nothing sticks. I’ll never get engaged if I’m not even in a relationship, so I constantly feel the pressure to go on a lot of dates. Guys had been asking me on dates prior to my engagement-fueled freakout, but I turned them down because I didn’t think they were right for me. Now it’s too late and of course when I’m actually looking for a date, I can’t get one.

I’ve started doubting every dating decision I’ve ever made. My mind is in overdrive thinking about how I ended up where I am. Should I have gone out with the guys I thought were weird and that I wasn’t into at all? One of them probably would have asked me to marry him after a couple of months and I could be focused on my own engagement rather than someone else’s. I know life doesn’t really work that way and I wouldn’t want to marry someone I don’t actually like, but the struggle is real.

My fingers feel way too bare.  I look down at my naked fingers and think there should be a ridiculously expensive ring there, one equivalent to the price of a yacht. I have no diamonds that are worth enough that they could feed a poor village alone and I suddenly want that sparkle to flash around to others. Hey, I’m just being honest.

I dread having to feign excitement for my engaged friends. Pretty much all of our conversations are about weddings and honeymoons now and I’m supposed to be super excited and congratulatory when what I’m really thinking about is the fact that half of marriages end in divorce.

I have to go to engagement parties and weddings alone. Having to go to events focused on relationships when you’re not in one and are extremely aware of how alone you are really sucks. The fact that I have to celebrate someone else’s engagement when I don’t even have a boyfriend is the worst.

I compare my own achievements to try and make myself feel better. OK, they’re engaged, but I’ve paid off my car! I’ve also traveled a lot and explored different career opportunities. All they have is love—long lasting, forever-type love. Sucks to be them, right?

I’m worried that other people pity me. They’re looking at single me and feeling sorry for me, I just know it. They think my life is a shambles because I’m on my own. I know there’s more to life than relationships but there’s still a ton of pressure to be in one.

I’m kind of outraged at how much money is spent on this crap. The ring, the engagement party, the outfit for the engagement party, the photographer, then the whole wedding! It’s all so much money, and for what? I’m trying to save to buy a house but these engaged people have cash to spend on things like doves being released at their wedding ceremony. Really, doves? Is that necessary?

I’m coming to terms with it… or at least I’m trying. My engaged friends love their partners and they want to share that, so I should be supportive. I am, really—I do wish them the best—but it just sucks that everyone seems to be getting engaged at once. It’s as if they held a secret meeting and planned their announcements to follow one another. It makes me anxious, uncertain, and frankly, kind of annoyed. But seriously, congrats!

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