Why You Should Never Compare Yourself To His Ex

Comparing yourself to your boyfriend’s ex is one of the most toxic things you can possibly do in a new relationship but you’ve probably done it. Here’s why you should stop immediately.

  1. The context is completely different. Every relationship has a different context. You can never realistically compare yourself to his ex because you’re completely different people in completely different relationships. PWhile his ex may have been an amazing chef and super kind in their relationship, she may actually be a terrible human being to everyone else and vice versa. You’ll never know, so don’t even go there.
  2. You’ll never get an objective answer on what his ex was like. Everyone knows that a breakup has two sides—his and hers. If he got dumped, he might tell you that she was a dramatic bitch. If you hear her side, though, you may found out that he was a jealous freak. The point is that neither one will give you the unfiltered truth. You should always judge things for yourself and the best way to do that is to enter the relationship with an open mind and forget that he ever dated anyone before you.
  3. Chances are, there’s a good reason he and his ex didn’t work out. Every breakup happens for a reason. Don’t dig into the past. He’s with you now, so focus on that and be the best possible version of yourself. Don’t compare yourself to someone irrelevant. Leave his ex in the past where she belongs. Stirring old drama will come back to bite you so don’t put yourself in that position.
  4. If you compare yourself to his ex, you won’t be acting genuinely and he’ll sense it. When you start comparing yourself to his ex, you’ll get all self-conscious about yourself. You’ll doubt your looks, intellect, and skills. That can paralyze you and make you act all weird, not to mention that it’ll be a huge turn-off. You’ll be out of your element. Don’t do that to yourself. Put your energy into being a great girlfriend instead.
  5. Even worse, you’ll start acting like his ex. The more you compare yourself to her, the more you’ll start acting the way you think she did. That’s the worst thing you can do. Soon, he’ll notice the change too. If he broke up with her and is now with you, he clearly doesn’t want more of the same old crap. Prove that you’re different in the easiest way possible—act naturally.
  6. You’ll never be as good as his ex in your head. When you compare yourself to someone you don’t know, more often than not, you’ll end up idealizing them. Because of this, you’ll never be as good as the image in your head. That’s a super toxic thing to do. Get the ex out of your own head and don’t fake anything about yourself. Being real is a proven way to truly be better than his ex.
  7. Stop reminding him of his ex. If you continue to compare yourself to his ex and stalk her social media, you’ll plant the idea of her back in his head. That might push him back into her arms and you’ll be left alone. Don’t ruin a good thing. Just focus on the present and build a stable relationship independent of anyone else. He’s decided to move on, so don’t convince him otherwise.
  8. Don’t be insecure. When you compare yourself to his ex, that means that you think there’s something you’re missing. This insecurity will erode your self-esteem and confidence, making you weak. Don’t worry about his ex. Focus on strengthening your awesome qualities and showing him that you appreciate him instead. The insecurity is just in your head, so let go of it.
  9. Imagine what would happen if he compared himself to your ex. You wouldn’t want him flipping out because of your ex, would you? It would be desperate and unnecessary. Then why do the same thing? Enjoy the beginning of your new relationship and discover what you guys have to bring to the table. Thinking about exes is the equivalent to opening Pandora’s box. Don’t go there.
  10. He wants a new beginning with you, so you win. The fact that you’re dating him and not her means that you’ve already defeated his ex. You’re the upgrade. There’s literally no point for you to compare yourself to her. You don’t go back to your old torn jeans once you buy a new comfortable pair, do you? Accept that you’re his top choice and be happy. Don’t create problems when there’s no need.
Dayana is a passionate traveler who's been navigating foreign lands and confusing relationships since she was 16. You can read more of her work on Matador Network and her blog, Dee Across The Sea.