9 Things I’ll Never Let My Boyfriend See Me Do No Matter How Comfortable We Get

I’m pretty open with my boyfriend and there’s very little we don’t do around each other. Still, there are some things I’ll never let him witness no matter how comfortable we get in our relationship—here are some of them.

Letting dogs lick my face My boyfriend hates the thought of our dog licking my face, especially before he goes in for a kiss. I get it, I really do, but I just love dogs so much that I really don’t care if they’re slobbering all over me. If my boyfriend is at home, I push our dog away, but if we’re on our own, my face is up for grabs. To be fair, I do make an effort to wash my face before he gets home since I know it grosses him out.

Peeing in the shower Yes, I’m lazy and sometimes I pee in the shower. It’s apparently healthier as you’re able to properly clean yourself afterward, but still, it sounds disgusting. I’m the one who cleans the shower so I make sure it’s nice and dirty before I whip out the anti-bacterial spray. I’d put money on it that my boyfriend also tinkles in the shower but we’d just never tell one another.

Taking a dump, for obvious reasons I know some couples leave the door open when they go to the toilet but a quick pee is in a completely different league to taking a full-on poo. My girlfriends and I might share a stall after a few drinks on a night out, but there’s no way I’m sharing my space with anyone for a number two. I even try to speed poo when we’re together so he can’t tell what I’m doing. He, on the other hand, is very vocal about when it’s time for a bowel movement and sometimes it’s a little much. You need to keep some sort of mystery alive in the relationship.

Writing these articles Here at Bolde, we’re all very careful not to name names for the sake of protecting the innocent and the guilty. I’d never let him read the articles I write about him because I know that he would be mortified that I share every intimate detail of our lives with you all. Like I said, what he doesn’t know can’t hurt him!

How I eat when I’m alone When I eat on my own, I’m like an absolute beast. There’s no one around, so if I want to eat chicken with my fingers, I’m going to do it. In contrast, when I’m eating with my boyfriend, I’m the epitome of class. I never eat without a napkin at hand and I cut bite-sized pieces with a real knife and fork and everything! I also hide the amount of sauce I’d actually like covering my dinner. I’m the kind of person who drowns their food in sauce—it’s food with my sauce not sauce with my food. The minimalist tastes of my partner would be horrified to see the rivers I create with liquid when I’m on my own.

Picking at my dirty nails I’ve had long gel nails since I was a teenager and I really love them. The downside to having long nails is that they get dirty very easily. Obviously, I clean them in the bathroom whenever possible, but sometimes it’s not convenient to keep a nail brush on me at all times. That’s when I start picking at them and pulling out the gunk underneath with another nail. Super disgusting but I think that’s better than running around with dirty nails.

Changing a tampon I remember my girlfriend telling me a story about her day and she casually threw in as an extra detail that she changed her tampon in front of her boyfriend—she just lifted one leg onto the bed, whipped the old one out, and slotted in a fresh one. I can’t even remember the actual point of her story because I was too consumed by the idea that she was able to do that in front of him. Aside from the fact that I need to be in a seated position in order to get a tampon inserted properly, I’d never do it in front of my boyfriend. To me, it’s the same as wiping your butt in front of someone. Yes, we all do it and it’s natural, but that doesn’t mean I want someone watching.

Looking at my vagina Not that I do this on a daily basis or anything, but I think it’s important to know what you look like down there when you’re healthy so you can immediately tell when you’re not. It’s a pretty undignified position, lying on the bed, legs spread with a hand mirror, so I keep that for when I’m on my own for sure.

Watching my favorite messed up documentaries I love watching really disturbing stuff on the internet. My favorite topics include fundamentalist polygamy and weird sickos who’ve kept their children in cages like animals. I don’t know why but I find them fascinating. I tried watching one with my boyfriend before and it didn’t go down too well. He couldn’t understand why I’d want to watch something like that and I couldn’t explain it to him either. Now I just watch them alone so as not to freak him out and it’s better that way.

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