These days, I think anyone who goes through their partner’s phone is absolutely insane. However, I used to be that person! Thankfully, I eventually realized that violating someone’s privacy and my own sense of self-respect just isn’t worth it and I’ll never do it again.
I used to do this way too often. I was that crazy girlfriend (or just causal fling) who looked through the phone of the person I was seeing—rightfully so. One time I even did it to a guy who I was just sleeping with and not even officially dating. It totally freaked him out, rightfully so. I used to do it a lot to people I was in a proper relationship with as well. I’d almost always find something to be mad about even if my anger was totally unwarranted.
I was incredibly insecure. When a partner was texting someone, I was formulating stories in my mind about who it was and what they were talking about. If they were actually talking to someone I felt threatened by then I felt even crappier about myself. The reality was that I had low self-esteem and was incredibly insecure with myself.
I completely lacked trust. I didn’t trust people as far as I could throw them. I thought that everyone cheated at some point or another and that it was best for me to stay on top of things. I sneaked around and found my way into partner’s phones so I could get ahead of the cheating. I thought that if I found out sooner, I could call them out rather than be a fool who’s being cheated on.
I was untrustworthy myself. I was a chronic cheater. I’d get drunk, cheat on my partner, then blame it on the booze or on them. I’d even start fights and “break up” just so I could hook up with other people only to get back with my partner after. The irony of my snooping was that I was actually untrustworthy myself. My partner could have gone through my phone and found a whole bunch of stuff.
It just made me resentful. One partner in particular never had anything to hide, yet I found things to be mad about when I searched through his phone. I would be upset that he was talking to a female coworker or a friend that was a girl. I’d find anything to be resentful about but I never told him I’d been snooping—I’d just act passive-aggressively instead.
Things can be taken out of context. It’s easy to read into things or assume something means more than it does. For example, someone could be texting with their friend of the opposite sex and I may get jealous because I misconstrued something. I just never know what exactly is going on because it wasn’t my conversation to begin with!
Sometimes I did actually catch a cheater in the act. While it’s really crappy to go through someone’s phone, on two occasions I caught some serious cheating going on. One time my partner was making plans to hook up with a girl while he was sitting right next to me. Another time I had caught a guy sexting with his “best friend” the night before. These were both devastating.
It’s highly unlikely that I’ll ever go through a partner’s phone again. I really intend to never do this again. Who knows what the future may hold, but at this moment I have the intention that I won’t go through a partner’s phone. I want to be able to trust my lover and give them the space they deserve.
If I ever feel the need to look then I know the relationship is in trouble. If I think that someone is cheating on me, I should talk to them about it or end things there. The solution should never be to pick up their phone and scroll through like it’s my business. I should just look out for warning signs that the relationship is doomed. If my gut thinks someone’s cheating on me (and I’m in a good space mentally), then I should probably listen to my intuition.
Everyone is entitled to their privacy. My phone is mine only. I’m completely entitled to owning it without another person trying to invade my space. I Google some weird stuff that I wouldn’t want someone looking at my history, not because I’m hiding anything but because it’s my property to do what I want with. I should treat others the same way.
I’d break up with someone immediately if they went through mine. Now that I’m a lot healthier than I was in the past, I would never put up with someone going through my phone. I would be totally turned off and I wouldn’t trust the person anymore. I think I’d have to break up with them because it just wouldn’t work out. Now that I value respect and trust, I won’t take them for granted again.
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