I’ve Never Looked Through My Partner’s Phone & I Never Will

Social media and our obsession with our phones make it so much easier to keep an eye on our partners, but while I get why some women might want to do some extra digging on their boyfriends, I have no intention of going through my partner’s phone.

  1. I respect his privacy. He has the right to keep whatever’s on his phone to himself and I’m OK with that. The level of trust I’d be breaking could be damaging and I don’t think going behind your partner’s back is the healthiest move in a relationship. People have gotten a little too comfortable exercising their hacking skills and it’s not a talent I want to tackle. If you feel you need to look to begin with, there’s already a problem.
  2. I don’t pay his phone bill. That means I don’t have any access to it. I’m not the one maintaining its service, so why should I be able to go through it whenever I want? It’s his property and even if I was given permission to do a little scan, I would decline the offer. What doesn’t belong to me shouldn’t be any of my concern.
  3. I trust him. I trust that whatever he does when I’m not around or can’t see is in the best interest of our relationship. I’ve been involved with guys in the past who I didn’t consider trustworthy and it was always at the center of the demise of our relationship. I have to believe that my boyfriend wouldn’t do anything to hurt or betray me, otherwise, what would be the point of being with him?
  4. I wouldn’t want him going through my phone. It’s not like I have anything to hide, it’s just the principle. I never want my partner to feel like he needs to check up on me when I’m not with him in case I’m doing something shady. Defining this boundary from the beginning sets the tone of the relationship and thus far, it’s been working pretty well for us.
  5. When I snooped in the past, it went terribly. Each time I went through a partner’s phone, I would always find what I was looking for. The fact that I felt like I had to snoop through his private messages was a sign that something was seriously wrong, and my suspicions were always confirmed. I don’t want to live like that anymore.
  6. If I did feel the urge to look, I would just end the relationship. I don’t have time to worry about what my partner may or may not be doing. There are so many other things on my plate that require time and attention, and my relationship should be comfortable and secure rather than a constant worry. If I ever felt the need to do a little snooping in my current relationship, I would just leave instead.
  7. I refuse to give a device that much power. This includes laptops as well. I don’t feel the need to spend precious brain juice wondering what could be on his social media, in his texts, downloaded to his desktop, whatever. The power that can have over your thought process and even your mood is one I’m not game for. I’ve witnessed friends drive themselves crazy just over the thought of who their partner might be messaging. No thanks.
  8. My intuition has never failed me. I don’t need a phone telling me something my instincts already have. Going with my gut has never failed me in the past and I’ve always used it as a neutral point of guidance. Whenever I’ve had doubts or feel like something is off, my intuition always leads me in the right direction usually revealing everything I need to know.
  9. He’s completely transparent. There are no passwords or locks I would need to crack in order to get in his phone because he’s already told me them. If I ever needed to use his phone to make a call or send a quick text, it’s always been available. There’s never weird energy or suspicion around his phone and this only puts me at ease and confirms why I don’t feel the need to do any digging.
  10. I really don’t care. And I mean this in the most sincere non-cold hearted way possible. Saying I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t care about my partner, it just means I don’t care to keep tabs on his every move. I don’t care to constantly consume my thoughts about whose DMs he could be in, Snaps that are possibly being erased, or secret text messaging going on. If I’m in a relationship, my focus will always be what makes things work and not what could go wrong.
Ty Martin is a freelance writer specializing in women's health and relationships. She has written alongside many doctoral students during her undergraduate career, assisting in editing and research. Although she grew up in a small town just outside of Chicago, she's obsessed with everything New York and plans on living there one day soon.