To All The “Nice Guys” Who Think Kindness Entitles Them To Sex

Consider this an official call-out to every guy who’s ever uttered the words, “Women don’t like nice guys — they only go for douchebags.” If you believe that feminism killed chivalry or you obsess over all the chicks who have so cruelly friend-zoned your uninteresting ass, this one’s for you. Your idea of kindness is behaving like a normal human being and expecting every woman in the world to want to blow you for it — and not only are we not interested, we’re also 100% done with you and your kind.

  1. Your supposed “niceness” isn’t currency. Being nice doesn’t entitle you to crap. In fact, hombre, being nice is pretty much the baseline for normal human interaction. If you think that opening a door for a woman, paying her a compliment or just generally not behaving like a giant flailing phallus is the social equivalent of taking a fat stack of hundreds and making it rain, then we’ve got some bad news for you: it ain’t.
  2. Women are not commodities. The assumption that your kindness should buy you anything with a woman is flawed from the start because we aren’t things. This is not Wal-mart. You cannot purchase us on credit, debit, or with empty compliments because we’re not something that can be bought. Start treating women like, y’know, actual human beings instead of pseudo-sentient blow-up dolls and you might just get somewhere.
  3. We don’t exist to please you. Confused as to why women worldwide aren’t singing your praises? Like, you posted that Facebook status about how you love women with “natural beauty” who “don’t need makeup” and everything, and yet, no one is biting — so what gives? Well, unfortunately, we don’t really care. We don’t live to ensure that you feel you’ve been adequately compensated for your good behavior. We’re not wasting our days baking cookies so we can give you one every time you have a “radical” opinion on what women should wear. We’re kind of busy doing, y’know, things that are actually important.
  4. You haven’t been “friend-zoned” — we’re just too polite to admit how much you creep us out. For every guy that we turn down because we “only think of him as a friend,” there are four more guys who we’re only “friendly” to because they strike us as the kind of person who’s going to snap someday — and we don’t want to be the reason why. Women can see right through your creepy behavior, but we’re too damn nice to embarrass you by calling it out (even though we’re kind of embarrassed for you).
  5. Only being “nice” so you can get something makes you look like a sociopath. Trying to trade basic human kindness for sex is some real grade-A sociopathic BS, even if you haven’t realized it yet. Treating people like they’re pawns who can be easily manipulated into fulfilling your will (and then proceeding to throw a tantrum when they fail to react in the way you’re wanting them to) is serious red flag behavior that we can spot from a mile away, and women don’t want any of it.
  6. No one cares how “nice” you are if that’s all you have going for you. While you’re obsessing over how you can be “nicer” to women in order to more rapidly procure sex from them, all those “douchebags” that you hate so much? Yeah, they’re out following their passions, taking up languages, playing a sport or writing a novel. It’s not that “niceness” isn’t what women are looking for — it’s that when it’s all you have going for you, it codes as desperation. We’ll take a guy who’s passionate about something other than getting laid over a generic “nice guy” who’s fixated on the returns of said niceness any day.
  7. Women don’t only go for douchebags — and if we did, you wouldn’t be single. Newsflash coming right at you, kiddo — women date nice guys all the time. Some of us are dating nice guys like, literally right now. Whatever pickup artist nonsense you think girls are falling for is utter BS because we’re all looking for our personal Prince Charming. Your problem is, the second you open your mouth to start your Forever Alone rhetoric, we instantly know that he ain’t you.
  8. You wouldn’t know what to do if someone ever did fall for you. Your views of women and what they supposedly owe you are so warped and twisted at this point, we’re not sure that if some poor girl did find it in her heart to give you a chance, you’d even know what to do about it. Relationships aren’t about keeping score, and no woman wants to be guilt-tripped and manipulated into thinking that they are.
  9. You’re not nice guys at all. The real heart of the problem here is that you’re calling yourselves nice guys, but you aren’t. You never were. You’re jerks in disguise. You’re manipulative, self-serving jerks dressed up in fedoras and false promises of friendship. How daft can you be to think that behaving a certain way only in the expectation of some kind of personal payoff was ever anything even close to “nice”? A tool by any other name is still, well, a tool. Calling yourself a nice guy doesn’t make you any less of an idiot, and it never will.
  10. You give the real nice guys a bad name. There are actual, bona fide nice guys everywhere — and they’re not secretly only acting that way in the hopes that we’ll drop our panties for them on sight. The difference is, you’re trying to play nice because you think you’ll get something out of it, whereas they’re just, y’know, genuinely good people. So if it still perplexes you why you’re not drowning in vagina despite your best attempts at being a decent human being, consider: maybe you aren’t one. Lucky for us, there are so many real nice guys out there, and they’re happy to take your place.