A lot of modern dating advice would tell women to be upfront about our expectations and dealbreakers because it helps us avoid wasting time. I used to believe that. I’d make it clear from day one what I was looking for, what I wasn’t looking for, and what I expected from a partner, and every single time I’d end up being let down. Over time, I’ve actually realized not communicating my dealbreakers right away is actually the best way to go — here’s why.
- A lot of guys tell you what you want to hear. It would be nice if communicating your dealbreakers was met with total honesty from the guy you’re dating, but that’s never the case. I’ve dated way too many guys who heard that I want to get married and agreed that they did too, only to reveal three months later — or in one instance, an entire year later — that actually, they have no plans on ever proposing or getting married. Oops?
- It’s amazing what guys will say to get what they want. In another instance, I told a guy I’d gone on a few dates with that I really want to have kids, probably in the next five or six years. He agreed and said he was actually looking forward to being a dad one day. That was before we slept together. About a month later, he literally asked me if I was “serious about that wanting kids stuff.” He said that he thought it was just something people said and that I should have known he wasn’t serious. Uh… what?
- If something’s not right, I just leave — I don’t need to give an explanation. Another reason I don’t spell out my dealbreakers from the beginning is that I don’t think it’s necessary. It’s always a bit awkward to lay down a list of rules or guidelines for a new potential relationship anyway, and it doesn’t actually yield better results. I look at dealbreakers basically like chemistry. If I know that I couldn’t date someone who’s a smoker or who wants to go out drinking every weekend, I don’t need to announce that to the guy so that he does what I want if he wants to date me. I just pay attention to what he’s saying and doing and judge whether or not that’s compatible with what I want. If it’s not, I dip. Easy done.
- It gets you unfairly labeled as “needy” or “desperate.” While anyone with half a brain cell knows that all healthy relationships need boundaries and standards, for some reason, communicating those out loud makes you out to be some kind of psycho who’s not stable enough to be in a good relationship. While I actually see this as a good thing — if a guy suddenly freaks out because I have standards, that means he doesn’t meet them — I just find it causes unnecessary drama that I’m bored of dealing with, if I’m being real.
- Men’s dealbreakers tend to be way different, I’ve noticed. Women’s dealbreakers tend to be about marriage, kids, cheating — the big things that can really make or break a relationship. That’s not the case with many men. They care about more trivial things, like whether or not a woman is willing to have sex early enough or if she cares more about her career than she does about acting like a surrogate mother to a grown man. Communicating my dealbreakers verbally tends to lead to exhausting arguments that I just don’t have time or energy for anymore, so I don’t waste my breath.
- I’m still honest about what I want. If I’m on a date with a guy and he asks me how I feel about certain hot-button issues, I definitely won’t lie and claim to feel a certain way when I don’t. That would be pointless and I’d be guilty of the same thing I get mad at guys for. I’m really open and honest about where I stand and what I want, I just don’t volunteer that information in any great detail without being asked.
- I try to judge guys based on what they present me. When I start telling them about my dealbreakers upfront, I know that nine times out of 10, I’m not going to get an honest response. A lot of them feel backed into a corner and are likely to say things they don’t mean in both good and bad ways because they haven’t had time to process how they’re feeling. Instead of creating that awkward situation, I just pay attention to what’s right in front of me. If a guy is no good, he won’t be able to hide it for very long.
