No Mercy Comebacks To Awful Things Guys Say & Why They Work

No Mercy Comebacks To Awful Things Guys Say & Why They Work ©iStock/lechatnoir

Guys say some pretty awful things to girls — even the ones that they like. That doesn’t mean that we should tolerate it, nor does that mean that we should stay silent. If a guy you’ve been talking to says one of these rude or inappropriate lines, feel free to borrow from my arsenal of retorts. Trust me when I say it’ll put them in their place.

Guy Remark #1: “Every real woman wants to have kids.”

My Retort: “So, what you’re telling me is that you’re a real woman.”

Why It Works: Usually guys who are so heavily bitten by baby rabies will get stunned when they have their own argument turn around on them.

Guy Remark #2: “You’re fat.” OR “You’re ugly.”

My Retort: “And as fat as I am, I still wouldn’t have sex with you if you paid me.” OR “And yet I still get laid. What’s your excuse?” OR “I can change my face/lose weight. You can’t fix a awful personality, though.”

Why It Works: Guys who begin to attack a woman on her looks are usually the ones who are salty over being rejected. They’ve already got a lot of hate brewing inside of them over the fact that women can smell their insecurity from a mile away, so by laying their insecurities bare, you’re basically detonating a nuke on what’s left of their confidence.

Guy Remark #3: “You’re crazy.”

My Retort: “Behind every axe-wielding woman is a man who made her that way. Just saying.”

Why It Works: Being called crazy is often a way for men to discredit women, and to a point, control them. This retort makes them realize you don’t give a rat’s ass about what they say, and that you won’t be controlled.

Guy Remark #4: “Slut!”

My Retort: “You must be really, really salty about me getting more girls than you do. You know, they have penis enlargement surgery — maybe that’ll help.”

Why It Works: Slut-shaming is what happens when guys are too insecure about their own sexual history to deal with a woman who gets action. Replying this way is just salt in the wound.

Guy Remark #5: “You slept with HOW many guys?! How am I supposed to date you?”

My Retort: “Well, it seems like you’re pretty insecure. I agree. We shouldn’t date. Go and sow your wild oats, grow up, and maybe in 10 years, we can talk.”

Why It Works: You’re literally calling a guy out on his insecurities, and you’re also showing him that you’re not going to be made to feel like you should defend your past to him. Besides, do you really want to date a guy who’s such a prat?

Guy Remark #6: “You’re not open-minded enough for [sex act you aren’t comfortable with].” OR “Why can’t you be a little bit more open-minded?”

My Retort: “If you’re too open-minded, your brain will fall out. Looks like yours already did.”

Why It Works: He’s an idiot who thought he could pressure you into sex. Enough said.

Guy Remark #7: “[Insert rude remark about your clothing].”

My Retort: “Remember when I asked your opinion on this crap? No? Because I didn’t. Game over, I’m done with you.”

Why It Works: Any man who tries to get you to dress a way you don’t like to dress often has control issues. Cutting his crap short immediately is a good way to avoid a potentially abusive relationship, and also will teach him that real men don’t behave that way with a girl.

Guy Remark #8: “Your friend is way hotter.”

My Retort: “I’m sure if you had friends, they’d be hotter than you, too.”

Why It Works: He’s trying to make you jealous, or just be mean to you. You might as well turn his insult around on him at this point, and give him a taste of his own medicine.

Guy Remark #9: “No one will love you like I do!” OR “You’ll never find someone like me again.”

My Retort: “That’s the point.”

Why It Works: It’s brutal. It’s short. It’s sweet. It’s true.

Guy Remark #10: “I’ve been hooking up with girls left and right since you rejected me.”

My Retort: “Glad to know you’re still thinking of me while you’re with ’em.”

Why It Works: You can’t really come back from that one.

Guy Remark #11: “Hey, baby, how do you like your eggs in the morning?”

My Retort: “Unfertilized and far away from you.”

Why It Works: It kills the catcall immediately.

Guy Remark #12: (After having ditched you before.) “I’m busy. You’re gonna have to reschedule our date.”

My Retort: “Absolutely. How does ‘never’ work for you?”

Why It Works: It kind of makes them realize they messed up. Follow this with radio silence, and they’ll quickly realize you don’t play games.

Guy Remark #13: “[Insert guilt trip about you not doing what he wants here.]”

My Retort: “Hold on, lemme get you a tampon and some Midol. By the way, we’re done.”

Why It Works: Guilt trips are very manipulative in nature, and ain’t no one got time for that. Men who use guilt trips are often cowardly, and at times can be emotionally abusive. This gets you out of that awful situation, and also calls men out on being total wusses.

Guy Remark #14: “You should go on a diet.”

My Retort: “You should go to hell. ” OR “How does that seem appropriate to say to anyone? Seriously, who the hell do you think you are?”

Why It Works: Three words: Harsh Reality Check. Both will show him that he’s way out of line.

Guy Remark #15: “[Insert mean criticism here.] Hey, I’m just being honest.”

My Retort: “Yep, and I’m honestly just not interested in you anymore.”

Why It Work: People use “honesty” as a good excuse to be a jerk. If someone’s being a jerk to you, you shouldn’t stay anywhere near them.

Ossiana Tepfenhart is a New Jersey based writer and editor with bylines in Mashed, Newsbreak, Good Men Project, YourTango, and many more. She’s also the author of a safe travel guide for LGBTQIA+ people available on Amazon.

She regularly writes on her popular Medium page and posts on TikTok and Instagram @ossianamakescontent.