If He’s Not Doing These Things When You’re Dating, He Won’t Do Them When He’s Your BF

Things definitely change when you make that move to become “official.” You become much more involved in each other’s lives, meet each other’s families, and start being gross together. But if you’re hoping that getting into a relationship with him will change the following things, think again.

  1. He won’t become more romantic. Sorry, but if he’s not pulling out the stops now, he surely isn’t going to once he’s already got you. That said, this might be something you want to double check your own expectations on. Sweeping romantic gestures are for the movies, not real life. However, he should be able to muster a little extra TLC sometimes.
  2. He won’t become super fit. While it’s reasonable to be annoyed when a long-term partner lets himself go, it’s not reasonable to expect a prospective partner to change his body for you. If he’s out of shape and asks for your help, then great! Even so, don’t let your feelings for him be contingent on whether he accomplishes this. Don’t go into a relationship unsure of whether you can be attracted to him.
  3. He won’t suddenly become more mature. If he’s irresponsible now, dating you isn’t going to change that. Nagging will only make him defensive. If anything, he’ll become dependent on you to fix his mistakes and you’ll take on the mom role.
  4. His baggage won’t go away. Do you suspect he isn’t quite over his ex? You might think that him starting a relationship with you will force him to move on. Wrong! There’s always going to be a third person in that relationship. This is also true for personal hang-ups and traumas. If his baggage is a problem now, it will be a problem in the future.
  5. He won’t get better at communication. Is he closed off? Uncomfortable discussing his feelings or having serious conversations? The more you try to pry, the more he’ll push you away. More importantly, differences in communication style could lead to a lot of arguments down the road.
  6. His feelings about marriage or children won’t change. Honestly, this should be something that you’re both on the same page about from the first date or so. Neither of you should change your thoughts on these issues based on the other person. It should go without saying that this also applies to religion, politics, and core values. It’s not a matter of compromise.
  7. He won’t suddenly have more time to spend with you. You may become a higher priority in his life, but you should be pretty high on the list already. However, he’s not going to work shorter hours so he can spend more time with you. You have to decide whether he’s too busy to give you what you need in a relationship.
  8. He won’t become more ambitious. On the other hand, maybe he’s the opposite of a workaholic. Maybe you think that with a little support, he’ll leave his mediocre job and pursue higher ambitions. Yet, unless this is something he’s already working towards, he’s probably happy with his life. Accept that or move on.
  9. His friends won’t change. If you really can’t stand his friends, then this probably isn’t going to work. Obviously, if they’re disrespectful towards you, you should tell him. But you can’t expect to avoid them for an entire relationship just because you’re not a fan of them.
  10. He won’t trust you more. An insecure guy might try to convince you that he just needs to know that you’re exclusive before he can really trust you. That’s simply not going to happen. If anything, he’ll start worrying more, wondering where you are, and maybe even start snooping.
  11. Your own insecurities won’t vanish. Likewise, your own hang-ups will stick around. It’s common to feel a little insecure when you don’t know where you stand. But full-on jealousy and paranoia are a bad sign. You can’t have a successful relationship with someone you can’t trust. In addition, you shouldn’t be entering a relationship if you need constant reinforcement and lack confidence.
  12. His bad behavior won’t disappear. If he’s showing signs of bad behavior now, leave! This includes anger issues, getting into fights, doing drugs, or disrespecting you. All of these habits will likely get worse and they will definitely affect you. Moreover, they put you in a dangerous position.
  13. His vices or annoying habits will still be there. Does he smoke? Drink too much? Is he just messy AF? While people do change, habits are hard to break and he’s not going to change for you. Ultimately, if he does change, it’s got to be for himself.
  14. You won’t stop fighting. If you’re already fighting a lot, it may be time to run. Things are supposed to be light-hearted and fun in the early stages. Apart from a little squabble here and there, arguing before in the early stages is a bad sign for any potential relationship.
Danielle is a world-traveler based in San Diego, California. She loves hiking, yoga, classic movies, and sharing her adventures on her blog shepowersthrough.com