It’s Not The Guys I Date Who Are Non-Committal, It’s Me

It’s been nearly four years since my last serious boyfriend dumped me and I haven’t been in an exclusive relationship since. At first, I blamed it on non-committal guys and decided to roll with it. Then I realized that maybe I’m the one keeping myself single.

  1. The guys I date casually always end up committing to someone else. This was the first big signifier that led me to realize that maybe I’m the problem. It seems as though every time a fling ended with someone, the next girl he starts dating reaches wifey status shortly thereafter. I kept thinking, “What gives? How did this girl lock this guy down that I thought shuddered at the thought of a serious relationship?” Well, a girl who wants a serious relationship is going to show signs that she wants a serious relationship. I don’t show those signs because frankly, I don’t.
  2. Our “dates” usually include heavy alcohol consumption. The time I spend with these guys isn’t particularly date-like. Typically, my dating regimen consists of me and the guy regularly frequenting the same bars and going out for brunch the next morning (brunch, of course, including bottomless mimosas or bloodies). After noticing this pattern, I realized I was always the one suggesting these plans. Any time a guy asks me out, I always have a bar in mind. Staying at home and watching a movie sounds boring. Dinner dates are nice, but happy hour cocktails almost always lead to bar-hopping. I prefer this kind of “dating.” The seriousness of real romance seems so dull—and honestly kind of intimidating.
  3. I seek out men who didn’t meet my standards. I started to notice that I always go for the guys I know I have no future with. To be blunt about it, I’ve been choosing bums. My “type” seems to have become the unemployed, grungy dudes with questionable habits. Talking to guys like this takes off all the pressure of commitment since I know it’s not happening.
  4. I constantly talk about other men in front of the guys I date. I tend to bring up other guys in front of the guys I’m dating. I don’t do it on purpose, per se, it just happens. I used to think this was just because I’m a very honest and upfront person (which is true), but if I’m being real, I do it in order to keep a distance. Although I like the guys I’ve been dating, I want to keep my options open.
  5. I’ve been told I have a “man’s mentality.” A messed-up stereotype, in my opinion, is that a man settles down when he finds a girl who reels him in and makes him. In this sense, I think I’m the polar opposite of those women. I tend to be a wild child—I have a free spirit and a fire within me that refuses to dull into a gentle flame. I like to have fun. How can I possibly focus on convincing a man to “settle down” when I’m not settled myself? My focus is on having fun, not being tied down.
  6. I like having guy friends and I wouldn’t give that up for a relationship. I have a lot of meaningful, important and close friendships with guys, and I think that can bother the men that I date. To me, that’s just too damn bad. I’m in no way ready to sacrifice any friendships in order to make a man more comfortable being in a relationship with me.
  7. Intimacy freaks me out. I’m not talking about sex here, but that mushy-gushy, cutesy stuff just simply makes me cringe. Even hints of romanticism turn my cheeks red and make me want to go back into a hole of awkwardness. Not only does it make me uncomfortable, but I honestly get far more gratification from platonic affection than I do from romantic affection. That’s why I prefer to keep my relationships in that more-friends-than-anything-else state.
  8. I’m hung up on previous relationships and past men. Personally, I believe if someone is “The One” for me, they’ll make me forget about men from my past. That hasn’t happened yet. I haven’t been able to totally move on from prior relationships and guys I’ve developed real feelings for, and I certainly can’t commit to someone new when I’m still hung up on other people.
  9. I’m not ready for heartbreak again. Admitting this one was tough, but when it comes down to it, I’m just still afraid of getting hurt. Who isn’t?
  10. I prioritize myself before any of the men in my life and I’m fine with it. This by no means suggests that I’m a selfish bitch. In fact, I’m a really caring and generous girl. But balancing self-care, growing into my career, and still maintaining a fun and lively social life is tough enough as it is. I’d rather not have an entire other human being and their needs to tend to on top of my own. I love my life and I’m learning to love myself. Who knows when, if ever, I’ll be ready for a serious relationship again? For now, I’m happy doing my own thing.
I am a 29 year old writer from Milwaukee, WI. Currently living a life of freedom in Tucson, AZ. Virgo, wine-drinker, lover of bad dancing. Insanity and getting into trouble are my fortes. Writing is my medium.