I’m Not Into Foreplay — Let’s Just Get Straight To The Sex

There’s a time and a place for foreplay, but for me, it’s at never o’clock and anywhere else but my bed. I know some people are into being teased and romanced before having sex, but I’m not one of them. I’d rather just skip all that and get right to the main event.

Honestly, it all feels like a bit of a charade to me. Going through the motions of kissing, slowly taking off clothes, me going down on him and then him going down on me (because he IS returning the favor) just feels so contrived. Foreplay has this tendency to take the passionate, organic feel out of hooking up and to me, that’s the best part of sex.

There’s a lot of room for criticism. When you’re in the heat of the moment having sex, there’s probably not too much going on your mind other than how awesome it is (hopefully). When you’re going through the motions of foreplay, however, you have plenty of time to get in your own head. After some time, I tend to get very critical of everything my partner is doing and very critical of everything I’m doing. I’m not saying it’s a good trait that I have, but that’s the mindset foreplay gets me into — and it’s not a sexy one.

Ain’t nobody got time for that. It sounds unromantic but I probably came for the same thing he did: sex. Like I said, unless we decide to make a night out of it, I probably just want to get in and get out, truthfully. Who has time for a half hour of foreplay when there are spin classes to go to and work meetings to attend and errands to run?! Not me, that’s for sure.

Some aspects of it are straight-up not fun. Let’s be honest: receiving oral sex, when it’s done right, is awesome. Giving it, however? Eh, there are plenty of times when I’m  just not in the mood to do it. There’s gagging and drool and there’s just so much work involved. However, if we’re going to do full-blown foreplay (no pun intended), it’s usually a part of the deal.

It can be exhausting. Not just the oral sex but the whole thing. When I’m ready to go, I’m ready to go, so long, drawn-out foreplay is probably going to kill my vibe more than anything. When I’m in the mood for foreplay, I’ll tell him (which will probably never happen). Otherwise, I want to get down to business because that’s when I’m in the mood for.

Foreplay is the enemy of quickies everywhere. Saturday night and lazy Sunday mornings are great for long foreplay and sex sessions if that’s what you’re into. But on a Wednesday night? Not so much. I’ve been at work all day and he just got home from the gym. We haven’t even had dinner yet! It’s possible to be horny in the middle of the week, but when I’m so tired, I just don’t have the energy to put on a whole show. I want to get it in, put on a facemask, and go to bed. Bye, foreplay.

Foreplay is the enemy of spontaneity. We’re on the bow of a cruise ship, I’m feeling myself and my partner. We’re all alone, the breeze going, and I know I want to get it on. (This is a true story, by the way — ask me sometime.) When I’m ready to have a sexy hookup in public, who makes time for foreplay? It ruins the whole fantasy and increases the odds of getting caught. I’m not into it.

Personal preference, but I typically like it rougher. Ask me on most days what kind of sex I’m in the mood for and the answer will most likely be, “Fast and a little rough.” Hair pulling and some spanking are usually required, and foreplay is generally not a good recipe for THAT kind of sex. It’s great for other kinds of sex, but not that kind.

I guess if we’re talking hot-and-heavy foreplay, that’s a different story. I might be in the mood to roleplay, and if that’s the case, it has to be the right kind of foreplay leading into the kind of sex we’re about to have. If the leadup sets the right tone (as long as it’s not TOO drawn-out) then, yes, it can really intensify the main event.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the real MVP: lube. For any of the above situations when foreplay is going to kill the mood or is out of the question, lube is the answer. That’s what it’s for! Slap a little on, give it a minute of BRIEF foreplay, and we’re ready to go. Call me a weirdo, but that’s really how I like it.

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