I’m Not A Prude Or A Tease For Not Sleeping With A Guy—I Just Want A Real Relationship

When I tell a guy I want to wait before having sex, I’m often met with questions, accusations and (sometimes) rejection. He seems to think I’m just being a tease, but little does he know that the reason I want to wait before having sex is that I see a future with him.

  1. It’s a way of letting him know that I want something serious. By waiting a while before letting him sleep with me, I’m putting it in his mind that I want to something more than just a quick hookup. Think about it—how else is he supposed to know that I’m interested in a relationship? If I go too hard, too fast, he’ll think that I only want to hook up, and I don’t want to give him the wrong impression.
  2. I don’t play by the rules of hookup culture. I know that everyone my age is having sex on the first date and I’m not saying that I’m totally against it (I’ve definitely done it more than once). However, if I actually LIKE the guy, I’m going to want to wait. Doing the whole hookup thing is fine if I don’t really care about him, but if I can really see a future with him, you can bet that I’m going to wait awhile before I put out.
  3. Guys do it too. Guys use girls they don’t see as relationship material for sex and then will court the ones they want something serious with. I used to think that it was weird that some guys wouldn’t try to make a move on me, but then I realized it was probably because they wanted to pursue an actual relationship! Imagine that.
  4. At the end of the day, it’s MY choice when I sleep with someone. No amount of pressure from either him or society will dictate when I sleep with someone. I’ll sleep with a guy when I feel ready to, and just because I want to wait a few dates before doing so doesn’t mean I’m a tease or a prude.
  5. Guys get all huffy about it but they don’t realize it’s a good thing. The guys who don’t get a lot of action see this move as a rejection, but it’s a really good sign—that is if they want a relationship too. One time, I went out with a guy who was going through all these reasons why I should sleep with him that night even though I said I felt it was too soon. What the hell? The thing is, I actually really liked this guy and would have wanted to pursue a relationship, but clearly he only wanted to hook up.
  6. It gets the guy I like to respect me. It’s kinda disappointing when I realized this, but I’ve heard a lot of guys say that they lose respect for a girl if she puts out too early. It’s so messed up because they’re the ones trying to convince us to sleep with them. It seems that either way, we can’t win. If we put out too early, they lose respect; if we make them wait, we’re considered a tease. Every guy is different, but I’d rather not risk closing the relationship doors completely, which is why I wait.
  7. I sift out all the losers. I’m able to find out right away whether or not the guy I’m into is also into me in more than just a sexual way. If I tell him I want to wait and then he bounces, I know instantly what his motives were. If I slept with him, I would have never been able to find that out.
  8. It gives our relationship a fighting chance. Even though we’re not in a relationship yet, by not sleeping with him right away, I’m sort of setting a precedent that I’m not just here to be played with and want something more than just a one-night stand.
  9. It makes the sex more valuable when it actually happens. By waiting, I’m giving him a chance to actually fall in love with me and want the sex even more. First date sex is actually super awkward and if I like this guy, I want our first time to be awesome.
  10. Guys need to understand that having sex is a bigger deal for us than it is for them. As a woman, “giving it away” is a WAY bigger deal than guys realize. We risk being called a slut by other girls (and guys), we risk losing respect, we risk having to deal with a pregnancy, and we risk getting possibly hurt physically or emotionally. I’m not saying this only happens to women, I’m saying it primarily happens to women. So if I want to wait, I should get to wait without getting any flack for it.
Jennifer is a playwright, dancer, and theatre nerd living in the big city of Toronto, Canada. She studied Creative Writing at Concordia University and works as a lifestyle writer who focuses on Health, B2B, Tech, Psychology, Science, Food Trends and Millennial Life. She's also a coreographer, playwright, and lyricist, with choreography credits for McMaster University’s “Spring Awakening,” “Roxanne” for the Guelph Contemporary Dance Festival, and “The Beaver Den” for The LOT, among others.

You can see more of her work on her Contently page and follow her on Instagram @jenniferenchin.